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4 Animal Skits
1 - LIONS Two lions having just feasted on a person, other members of the pride still going at it.
A Short and sweet.
B Eh?
A I said 'short and sweet'.
B For you, yeah. You barely ate anything.
A I got what I needed and that's it. Once the hyenas show up and start freaking out right behind you, I kind of lose my appetite. Just go in strong, chow down on the high protein red meat and a bit of fat, and you're good.
B 'short and sweet'.
A Exactly. (spits) Outer layer. Ugh.
B At least it comes off easy.
A Most of the time. Sometimes it stretches like fat but tastes like... well, I don't even know what to compare it to. One of those sicky plants, but they don't make you sick. They just taste bad as you try to get through them and onto the real stuff.
B I once saw Berf wear part of an outer layer chunk around his neck accidentally for a whole day. He was so pumped catching them that when he dove in and tried to tear it off he got all wrapped up in it and when it tore he ended up wearing part of it.
A But Berf wouldn't hate it. Berf would like the attention and play it up. And he'd talk about it forever.
B Berf was old, right?
A Well-
B I mean, I know he got sick, but it wasn't like a shock or anything?
A With Berf it was just that suddenly he disappeared. That's the real weird thing. They left him kind of for dead in the grass and went to the watering hole one evening and when they came back in the morning he was gone. Just gone. No body, no bones, no anything.
B Spooky.
A Rumour was that they came and took him during the night.
B 'They' they?
A Yep.
B Well, we clearly got back at them right now.
A Fronk says there's more of them than there used to be, but they don't hunt. Like they lost their umph.
B Easier for us.
A Yeah. it's strange, though. 'Cause Fronk always likes saying how his Mom told him what her Mom told her and what her Mom told her and it's like back all that way we were the much better hunters and it was around the time of his great grandmother that they got much better at hunting us and it really looked bad, and now it's gone back the other way.
B But that's like everything, right? It's good for a bit and then it gets terrible.
A Feast to famine, famine to feast.
B How often do you see Fronk?
A Oh, maybe once a circuit.
B Now he's getting old.
A Oh, definitely.
B That's why it was so surprising when he caught that fat one last season.
A He smelled funny.
B And not 'ha, ha' funny.
A Tasted funny, too.
B You can't like everything you eat.
A But are they really supposed to taste that different? It was like that one didn't ever seem to belong here.
B Hey, if they didn't want this to happen, they shouldn't have come here like that.
A I get it. Blame the victim.
B If you come here, if you just stop your cart thing in the middle of our backyard, your guard down, looking like that, then it's totally your own fault. No sympathy. Especially if sometimes you're going to come out with that thin shiny weapon of yours and try to take us out. We'll make quick work of you if we can.
A ‘Short and sweet'.
B ‘Short and sweet'.
2 - PARAKEETS Two parakeets in a cage, there's newspaper on the bottom of the cage.
A You read this?
B Did I what?
A Read this. the article right below me.
B Read?
A Yeah.
B What are you talking about?
A The article. Did you read it?
B I don't know what you mean by read. Like 'reed', the long thin plants in ponds and lakes?
A No, read. Understanding the tiny symbols on the page below which represent sounds which can be linked together to make words.
B Yeah, I don't do that.
A You don't do that?
B No, I never learned that. I'm a parakeet.
A Well so am I.
B Are you? I'm beginning to wonder.
A Really? Don't I look like a parakeet?
B Is that all that makes you a parakeet?
A So because I can read that means I might not be a parakeet?
B How many parakeets do you know that can read?
A I don't know any other parakeets other than you.
B Well take it from me, parakeets can't read.
A How many parakeets do you know, other than me?
B One.
A Just one?
B Yeah. and he can't read.
A 'He'? Is he your boyfriend?
B He's my father.
A Oh. My apologies.
B Accepted.
A I mean, I know of other parakeets, but I've never met any.
B Yeah? How do you know of other parakeets?
A Reading.
B Oh, I get it.
A Yeah, sorry to bring that back around full circle.
B Who're-
A I don't want to rub it in your face or anything.
B No, no. I was going to ask how you read about other parakeets.
A Oh, well once a couple weeks back there was a story about this old woman who lost five thousand dollars in this new furnace scam. And in the picture of her there was a parakeet in a cage named 'Berf'.
B 'Berf'?
A I know. It sounds like it should be 'Bert', right? Maybe it was a typo.
B A typo?
A A mistake in the spelling of the word so that it sounds different. Some are obvious. Like if they misspell 'cage' it would sound like 'bage' or something.
B How would they make a mistake? Don't they know how to use the right words for the right sounds?
A Well they're supposed to, but if you keep making more and more of them, you increase the chances of making a mistake.
B Or maybe the other parakeet was really named 'Berf'.
A Exactly. I don't know for sure.
B And we'll never know.
A I suppose not.
B It seems like reading is full of uncertainty.
A Well it can be. But hey, the story about the other parakeet is much better. This guy was the pet for this very sick kid, and once the kid stopped breathing and the parakeet made all this flapping and screeching and so the parents came in and saw what happened and they got the kid to hospital just in time and his life was saved.
B Oh. well, yeah. that's much better than just being a photo with an old woman.
A But get this. The name of the parakeet, according to the story: Fronk.
B 'Fronk'?
A 'Fronk'.
B Are you sure you can read properly? Or completely, or whatever?
A Hey, yeah. I swear, this isn't my mistake. It's the story's mistake.
B Even though it so obviously close to actual name, 'Frank'?
A Yes. Weird, huh?
B Maybe they just have a problem getting parakeet names right.
3 - POLAR BEARS Two polar bears on an ice floe, one just recently arrived there after a long, exhausting swim.
A Ah man. Oh god.
B Easy. Take it easy.
A How long was that? Really?
B I don't know.
A I wasn't really asking. I'm just... you know how you ask rhetorical questions sometimes?
B Just try to get your breath back.
A I'm good. I'm...whoo. Oh man. I really thought that I was like a goner for a while there.
B Everyone says that.
A Well everyone's saying it more often now, aren't they? Man, I was hallucinating seals and salmon and everything. For a moment I thought this was a mirage, too. But something about the whole thing made it feel like an acceptable risk. Not that it was really a risk or anything. If it was a mirage I'd swim right through it as it disappeared. And if it's real I'd bonk my head right on it. Right?
B I suppose.
A Good sized chunk you got here. Looks like a good edge on that side for some sealing.
B It's serviceable.
A Catch much?
B No. There's not much to catch.
A But something, right? I'm not gonna have to go all cannibal on you, am I?
B In your current condition, you should be more concerned if I decided-
A I'm joshing, I'm joshing. I don't do that kind of thing. I'm beary trustworthy. Eh? Eh?
B I get it.
A I know that line's pretty crap, but I didn't come up with it. You know who did? Berf. You know Berf?
B I did.
A 'Did'? I thought he was just missing.
B You know what missing means.
A I know it's likely. But remember Fronk?
B No. I don't know Fronk.
A Fronk was, like, missing for a whole circuit. Up and back, right? We all thought the worse. Hell, we knew the worse. We talked all 'too bad about Fronk', and 'remember how Fronk used to only eat seals on the side of the hill? And that he'd bunch up a bit a snow so that it felt like a hill to him?' He was dead and gone to us. He really was. And then he just showed up one day, like nothing happened. Fronk was just back. Still dragging seals everywhere and still farting all the time. Did I mention that? His farts are rancid.
B Did you run with Berf?
A Not for very long. We got in a bit of fight over a woman. You know it is.
B Yeah. I know.
A You said the sealing was garbage?
B I said there's not much to catch.
A Well see, that's the best thing about just arriving on the floe. All I wanna do is lie right there, relax, and then just get my paw out and 'pow'! Drag that sucker up here and crush his skull with my teeth. If I'd been on here as long as you have- hey, how long have you been here?
B Seven days.
A Seven days?! Wait, what... why the heck have you been on here for seven days?
B I don't want to talk about it.
A Hey, I get solitude. We all need it from time-
B I said I don't want to talk about it.
A Look. Look. I can tell that I'm cramping your style. I'm not totally out of it. I can pick up on that. You don't want me hanging on your ice floe. Totally understandable. Just give me a night to relax and get a good night's sleep, maybe hang over at that edge for a day and try my hand at a couple seals, and then I'll be on my way. Sound good?
B Sounds fine.
A All right, then. I'm gonna go over there and try to catch some dinner. S'all right?
B Fine.
A Okay, then. (muttering to himself) Yeesh, who stuck a walrus tusk up your butt?
4 - DOG AND CAT The two of them in a backyard, dog on leash, the cat calmly just out of reach.
A Pussy.
B Bitch.
They chortle.
A But seriously. Pussy.
B Bitch. Likewise serious.
A If this leash breaks-
B If that leash breaks you'd be so surprised and freeze in your tracks that I'll have at least three of my lives to mosey over to that fence and take my sweet time jumping up top to lick my paws as you bark like a lunatic.
A Pride cometh before fall.
B And physics comes before stock catchphrases.
A You fancy yourself a scholar.
B I fancy myself an animal of this world, who knows what it takes to stay alive and stay full.
A 'Full', eh? I'm not familiar with the feeling.
B A constant and lethal hunter who has to eat, eat, eat? That's you?
A Uh-huh.
B Stomach bigger than your brains?
A Speaking of stock catchphrases...
B Admit it, you've never even eaten cat.
A I've never eaten cat.
B And you'd eat anything.
A Not true. I don't like berf.
B 'berf'?
A It's that human stuff that looks like popcorn but isn't popcorn, even though it comes in those boxes that should really have food in them.
B Yeah, I have no idea what you're talking about.
A Says the 'animal of this world'.
B Who doesn't have to eat everything to figure out if it'll kill me or not.
A From where I stand, it looks like you have no problem flirting with death.
B Oh, you'd know if I was flirting with you. I'd turn around, raise my tail and rub my rear end all over your snout.
A Sounds like a rump roast appetizer.
B You're not even drooling.
A You don't trust me unless I'm drooling?
B I don't trust you at all. you would say anything, do anything, sell your mother out, for a tiny morsel of steak that fell off their table.
A You think you know me because you name drop my mother?
B Well you already sold Fronk out.
A You know about that?
B Everybody talks. you can't trust anyone here. even the dirt whispers. Knowledge is power and if you hold onto it and don’t use it, it will blow up in your hands.
A Getting real dark all of a sudden.
B That's why I'm free and you're chained up. I know what it's like out there. You think you know it all, but you still get your food by being a 'good dog'.
A Oh, like you don't turn on the charm and meow and do figure eights around humans' legs to get a bit of tuna.
B I don't have to rely on it. I do that out of boredom. I don't need them at all. You sell yourself out day after day after day. And if you do that for so long, suddenly you don't mind being a slave.
A These were the roles we were born to play.
B I don't believe that for a second.
A No?
B Nope.
A You don't think you were designed to hunt mice, lick yourself clean, and act all stuck up like you never make a mistake?
B I choose to hunt mice.
A You flatter yourself.
B I'm worth the flattery.
A Ego will get you nowhere.
B Says the chained up dog, dependent on the forgetful mercy of humans for food, shelter, and attention. do you even know what's beyond these fences?
A More backyards?
Pause.
B Lucky guess.
END
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"when fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross." - Sinclair Lewis | |||