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Cheating in the Water
Mona lost her left arm in a car accident four months ago and
was still in
that state where practically every single thing you do reminds of you of
that jaunty little tidbit of your life.
Most of the moment of the accident and its immediate aftermath was a haze,
but that just made the five or six stark, near-frozen memories all the
more unforgettable, indelible, eternal.
1.
The text message she was double-checking before sending to Rachel,
wondering if she should add the word ‘really’ twice to underscore the
seriousness of not having enough avocado salad for the weekend.
2.
The sound of Henry’s gasp, even though it was so much quieter than the
sound of him jamming on the horn and brakes, since it was that sharp
intake of air which brought her eyes up off her phone to see the car in
front of them reversing at a ridiculously fast speed for no fathomable
reason at all.
3.
The crumpling of the car in such a way that the section of dashboard in
front of the passenger side bent like putty as her seat seemingly bounded
forward to pin her left shoulder between these two objects which at their
cores were much stronger than flesh and bone.
4.
Trying to wrench herself free of the now-wreck because – almost impossibly
– everything else seemed quite all right except for some scraps and
bruises on the frantically kicking legs and hysterically waving right arm.
5.
The smell of that one fireman’s terrible and overpowering aftershave,
which drowned out his words that didn’t really need to be said anyway as
shock had certainly set in by this point and she didn’t need to bother
trying to read his lips since his partner beside him seemed to be using
the jaws of life with almost indifference as if it was clear from the
get-go that she was fine except for a crunched and mangled (and certainly
numb) left arm.
6.
(optional) The sigh of the surgeon at the hospital telling her the news
that wasn’t really news, but sounded like #2 turned inside out.
And now standing on the beach but staring back at the thick, green
tropical foliage from whence she emerged thirty minutes prior, Mona let
only the sound of the waves wash over her.
She though of Miles Davis song titles and the decay of modern jazz. She
turned again and wet her lips at the sight of the salty sea.
It’s all backwards and there’s no point in trying to scratch the feeling
away. Someone famous and drunk said that in an interview. Must have been
on television. Memories of television. Oh yeah. That thing.
An easy, forced sacrifice and that’s being generous. Not much sacrifice
involved in getting a boatload of money and quitting the sales job that
just barely paid the bills in the first place.
That’s the good news, anyway.
What’s the rest of this life really all about?
She might have asked this out loud. Screamed it, even. Just her along this
seemingly endless beach.
Henry would have liked it for a day or two, then he’d be bored to tears.
She didn’t miss Henry. It wasn’t the best sort of relationship in the
first place. Kind of out of convenience, really.
Tolerable, straightforward, not a lot of highs, no real lows. Could enjoy
being in a room with him for almost all of the time.
Until this. Henry actually cried in his hospital bed, banged up all to
hell, immobile. First time she ever saw him do that. Apologizing feebly in
between sobs over and over again when she visited him. She was already
walking around and starting intense physio-rehab- whatever sessions.
Three months later, though, he was pretty much back to normal, walking
around and getting into the work routine, and Mona was still down an arm.
Now she would say that she didn’t turn on the blame really heavy, since
‘the other guy’ was driving like a maniac, but Henry was definitely giving
too much attention to putting together a playlist on the car’s bluetooth
entertainment system when it all went south in a hurry.
But she thinks that he thought she was guilting him with every slight
gesture and problem that highlighted her newfound handicap.
Asking him to help with getting dressed, or reaching for something high in
the closet, or clearing the table? Apparently it was her reminding him of
his failure. In actuality she just needed help at that moment, and she
told him that, but the other possibility was too hard for him to shake,
and he told her that he felt like she was making him feel guilty, even if
she wasn’t intending to. And what can anyone say to that?
So Henry left, and didn’t make a peep about the money. Which he had to
have known was coming, so… there’s that?
There’s nothing. There’s just water, a beach, a beautiful blue sky and a
one armed woman standing there.
But standing. And then walking into the approaching and receding waves,
feeling the cold ocean water on her feet.
You think a lot about what you’d rather lose when you lose something. Arms
or legs? No point in having two perfectly good arms if you can’t
physically run away from many of your problems at the drop of a hat, and
with no help from anyone else or ramps.
Arms, though. Two hands for phones, keyboards, cooking, carrying, etc
forever.
Legs, though. Can go anywhere, no problem, no assistance required, nothing
to slow you down. And definitely plural. Even one leg makes a complete
cripple (she’s one of them now, she can use that word).
You’re slowed down with one arm. You’re stopped completely with one leg or
none.
So Mona is thankful that she can feel both feet, ankles, and knees get wet
as she advances further into the ocean.
Not impossible to put on a two piece swimsuit with one arm, but not easy.
Mona goes deeper and is soon swimming, staying above the relatively calm
waves with her powerful kicking.
Ducking under the surface after taking a deep breath. The salt stung her
eyes but it – the big it – was worth the pain.
Here it mattered less than anywhere else. It could be forgotten, ignored,
she was just another silly creature pretending to be a fish.
She wasn’t escaping for good. She was just on a vacation from reality. You
need a really good reason to live with a lie. Here she was just talking a
break from the truth.
Living on land was hard, but there’s cheating in the water.
END
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