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Fuck Civilization
Bill and Sue are packing in their apartment.
Sue (with paper in hand) Okay, before we go, let’s go through the checklist.
Bill Right.
Sue (looking over list) Tent.
Bill No.
Sue Sleeping bags.
Bill No.
Sue Canned food.
Bill No.
Sue Anything with an electrical current.
Bill (after surveying the things) Nnnn….no.
Sue And finally…cell phone.
Bill (lighting up) Oh, good thinking! (takes cell phone out of his pocket, drops it on the floor, stamps on it many times until it breaks) No.
Sue (taking lighter from pocket) Good. And now we just do this. (lights paper up, it goes up in a second) And this. (throws lighter out the window) And we’re ready.
Bill Oh, wait hold on. (grabs a bottle of scotch) One last belt of scotch. (takes a generous swig, grimaces, and then tosses out the window) How easy did you say it was to make our own wine?
Sue We’ll have to get the field tilled first before we can start planting grapes.
Bill (picking up box) All right. Well… onward! To hell with society and it’s corruption of the common man.
Sue (picking up another box) And woman.
Bill (walking towards the door) And pets.
Sue stops walking and stares at something in her box. Bill turns to her.
Bill Sue?
Sue puts down the box and takes a small air freshener leaf from inside.
Sue What the hell is this?
Bill Oh. Well, uh-
Sue This is air freshener!
Bill Sue, honey, look-
Sue (tries to throw air freshener at him) You son of a bitch!
Bill Okay, first, leave my mom out of this. And second, do you realize what our cave is going to smell like if most of what we eat is green, leafy vegetables?
Sue That’s not the point! We’re leaving civilization behind! We’re renouncing everything! We’re not even using suitcases to bring the rest of our stuff! I even made these boxes out of tree bark.
Bill (dangling air freshener) But, come on! It’s pine smell. That’s natural. Besides, it’s only an air freshener.
Sue Exactly! If we were going to break the rule once, it wouldn’t be for something that useless! We’d bring a leather sofa… or decent hair curler.
Bill (annoyed) Fine. (tries to throw air freshener out window) We’ll all sit around in our dark cave in our own stench while trying to invent a new language that consists of no more than fifty words.
Sue (brightly) See, that’s the spirit!
Knock on the door.
Bill (gong to door) That must be Zack.
Bill opens the door. Zack enters naked. Bill and Sue grimace.
Zack Sorry I’m late, I’m trying to forget the concept of time.
Sue (trying not to look directly at Zack) Uh…Zack…
Zack Yeah? (realizing what she’s referring to) Oh, this. Well, we’re all going to be naked, thought I’d just get used to it.
Bill Maybe you should at least wait ‘til we’ve left the city limits.
Zack Well, I’ve already tossed all my clothes into the garbage incinerator…
Bill (trying not to look at Zack either, going to other room) I’ll try to find a blanket or something. Don’t make any sudden movements, all right?
Zack You guys don’t have to be so uptight. I mean, once we discover fire again and start blazing j’s, it’ll be a lot easier to get down and funky together, so I just figured I’d get the balls rolling… Sue Wait. Hold on.
Zack I mean, I know Bill and I will have to lay a couple ground rules about groping in the dark and certain positions, but he seems pretty open minded, and-
Sue Zack, wait a minute. (short pause) And try to stand behind the lamp.
Zack (shifting slightly) All right. What?
Sue When I told you we were going to live together as one away from this close-minded, destructive world, what did you think I meant?
Pause.
Zack (confused and almost annoyed) Are you telling me you didn’t plan on having orgies in the cave?
Sue No, I meant that we were abandoning everything civilization has created
Zack Oh. (short pause) Well, threesomes aren’t civilized. At least not the ones I’ve been to.
Sue Well threesome’s certainly aren’t natural!
Zack Why not? I didn’t think we’d use any…toys or anything. Well, maybe a small, smooth rock…
Sue Look, regardless whether-
Bill (entering, with towel) …I found a beach towel with a palm tree on it, so I think it’ll be fine. (looking to both Sue and Zack, who look to be at odds with each other) What’s the deal?
Zack Bill, are we going to double team Sue in some disgusting wet cave or am I just wasting my time here?
Bill (confused) Uh…
Sue No, you’re not.
Zack (upset) Oh, come on! What’s the point of living in some random fucking cave if you can’t do some random cave fucking?
Bill (with outstretched arm) Please, just take the towel… and what the hell is going on?
Sue Zack thought we’d have group sex in the cave.
Bill Oh. (short pause) And we’re not, right?
Sue No!
Bill Good. (to Zack) No offense, Zack.
Zack (disappointed) Yeah, whatever. (short pause) Wish I didn’t chuck all my clothes already.
Bill So do I. Take the goddamn towel.
Zack (finally taking towel) So you two are really gonna go through with this? I mean, I thought we’d get our rocks off for a week, then get sick of not being able to shower and move back to the city.
Sue No, we’re taking this seriously, Zack.
Bill Yeah. Not even a pine scent air freshener.
Zack (going to door) All right, well, best of luck to you. (short pause) And if you ever change your mind…
Sue Don’t worry. We’ve seen what we’re missing.
Zack Okay…bye…thanks for the towel…
Bill Keep it. Please.
Zack exits. Pause. Bill and Sue shudder. Pause.
Bill You know, an orgy would be a great way to pass the time during the dry season.
Sue Yes, but just not with him.
Bill Right. That scar down there really creeped me out.
Sue (grabbing box) Well, maybe we can pick up a hitchhiker on the way out of town…
Bill (grabbing other box) Right.
They both start to leave.
Bill Now, hypothetically, if we eat the hitchhiker…
Sue Let’s cross that bridge when we come to it, okay?
They exit.
END
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An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind, but how many of us deserve to see in the first place? | |||