The Abandoned Station

NOT NEWS

 

Exhibits
 

Videos
 

Writings
 

Larry's Wad
 

Topical Runoff
 

Bios

Details
Contact Us
F.A.Q.
Links
Nothing
Here's a Thought

Nothing



 

Spring is in the Air OR Delusional

 

A walks into the room. B is there writing at a table.

 

A

Smell that?

 

B

What?

 

A

Spring is in the air.

 

B

Well, hold on, and next time I go to the market Iíll get some disinfectant.

 

A

What are you talking about?

 

B

What are you talking about?

 

A

Iím talking about the seasons.

 

B

I thought the seasons ended a long time ago.

 

A

What?

 

B

I thought seasons became extinct. I thought itís now just perpetual twilight.

 

A

Are you crazy? Have you been outside recently?

 

B

Yes, scrounging for food, remember?

 

A

Right, the pickled hern. Iím the one that doesnít go out anymore.

 

B (expecting A to finish this sentence)

BecauseÖ

 

A

Because Iím delusional.

 

B

Exactly. See, the more I practice the better you get. Soon, it will always be the first thing you say.

 

A (sad)

But I donít want to admit to everyone that Iím delusional. (short pause) At least, not right off the bat.

 

B

What everyone? Itís just me now.

 

A

Right. Sorry. Iím delusional, you see.

 

B (smiling)

You didnít even need my prompting that time.

 

A

Oh. Sorry, next time Iíll wait for you to prompt me. You see, Iím delusional.

 

B

No, no. Itís good that I donít have to prompt you.

 

A

Really? Oh, well youíll have to forgive me. Iím delusional.

 

B

Uh-huh.

 

Pause.

 

A

Iím delusional, you know.

 

B

See? Perfect.

 

A

Whatís perfect?

 

B

Saying youíre delusional just like that.

 

Pause.

 

A

Iím sorry, I donít understand. Iím delusional.

 

B

Yeah, I know.

 

A

Really? Sorry for telling you again, you see, Iím delusional.

 

B

Right.

 

Pause.

 

A (singing to the ĎSpidermaní theme)

Delusional, delusional, I am so delusional, Delusional, every size, catches thieves, delusional-

 

B (interrupting, a bit upset)

Donít sing that.

 

A

What?

 

B

Donít sing that youíre delusional.

 

A

No?

 

B

No.

 

A

Sorry, youíll have to excuse me, Iím delusional.

 

B (angry sigh, through gritted teeth)

I know you are.

 

A

Really? Well, Iím very sorry, but I suffer from-

 

B (hits breaking point)

Youíre not delusional!

 

A (surprised)

What?

 

B

You arenít delusional!

 

A

No?

 

B

No, youíre just easily convinced!

 

A

Really?

 

B

Yes!

 

A

Oh. I guess youíre right. (pause) Well, I guess Iíll go strangle the children.

 

B

You canít.

 

A

No?

 

B

No. We donít have any children. Weíre not married, weíre not in a relationship, and weíre not gay.

 

A

Oh. I guess I wonít strangle the children then.

 

B (rolling eyes)

I guess not.

 

A

Do we have any pets?

 

B

A dog in the next room. (short pause) Go strangle the dog.

 

A (leaving)

Right.

 

A exits. Pause.

 

B (calling to A offstage)

And stop at the market on your way there and pick up some disinfectant. Something smells in here.

 

END

 

 

look out for the little green bag