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The Christmas Skit

 A Different Christmas Skit 

 

The friendly, spacious well-decorated lobby/dining room of a quaint New England (or old England or suburban Manilla) bed and breakfast, the afternoon of Christmas Eve. A, B, C and D are sitting around in Christmas sweaters, going through boxes that have lights and other outdoor decorations.

 

 

C

I'm willing to bet most of these won't work. That's why the owners didn't put them up in the first place.

 

B

We can make a creepy Christmas scene in the backyard, with flickering lights, busted plastic reindeer, and those Santas that look way too creepy but you don't realize that until you bring it home.

 

A

Like this? (Holds up a freaky-looking outdoor plastic Santa with bulging eyes)

 

C

"He knows when you are sleeping, he knows you're awake...but he'd rather know when you are sleeping..."

 

B

Listen to that voice! Are we going caroling?

 

D

I don't think people like answering the door anymore.

 

A

Yeah, it'd be more effective if we film ourselves singing in front of our own place, then send the clip to our friends.

 

C

Okay, I count six reindeer in here, so maybe we can replace two of them with a snowman and this penguin.

 

B

Replace two of them? Don't you mean three?

 

A

Don't you recall...the most famous reindeer of all...

 

C

Rudolph was kind of a joke. He didn't even exist before that terrible stop-motion special from the 1960s, where the only thing on the menu is conformity, unless the exalted leader likes you. Then and only then is it okay to be different.

 

A

I can't wait for your hot take on 'Frosty the Snowman'.

 

C

The song is terrible and it's still the best part of that thing.

 

D

I'm sure all the kids these days know exactly what we're talking about, dissing all this tv that came out years before even we were born.

 

A

There has to be christmas shows for eight years old today, right? Like what's the one with the talking dogs?

 

B

All of them?

 

C

No, no. That paw patrol show. I'm sure they saved Christmas at least once.

 

A

But who's going to save Hanukah?

 

D

Hanukah doesn't need saving.

 

B

No one's got the hutzpah to mess with Hanukah.

 

C

Oh man, there has to be a movie made just so that tag line can go on the poster.

 

D's phone suddenly starts ringing, and it's the Run DMC song 'Christmas in Hollis'. D checks their phone and stands up.

 

C

Everything good?

 

D

Yep. Spring rolls are ready.

 

D walks through one of the doors into the kitchen.

 

B

Just sayin', but spring rolls aren't the most seasonal sort of appetizer.

 

C

I think we can look the other way on appetizers.

 

B

I added 'Just sayin''.

 

C

So 'just sayin'' means the comment can't be criticized?

 

B

It means it's not worth commenting on.

 

C

So then why say it?

 

A

Ah, this sort of quality bickering is how I know it's going to be a wonderful holiday.

 

B

Just say Christmas. It's not that hard.

 

C

I don't care what they call it, that they're already calling it wonderful is what's worrying me.

 

A

I don't say Christmas because not everyone that celebrates it is Christian.

 

B

That doesn't matter. They're celebrating Christmas now, whether they're going down on their knees and worshipping the Christ child, or buying usb-friendly back scratchers by the pound at an outlet mall.

 

A

So you only say 'Merry Christmas' to people in a church?

 

C

Or at an anti-abortion rally?

 

B

I don't go to either of those. But I love seeing friends and family, I love gravy on mashed potatoes, I love giving gift cards and getting usb-friendly back scratchers, and I love the decorations that are both cheesy and make fun of the cheesy. I love Christmas, and everything I just said is what Christmas means to me.

 

A

So it's the keep 'Christ out of Christmas' take?

 

B

It's the take that acknowledges that Christmas is so big and sprawling that there's enough room for people who want to acknowledge it as the birth of their messiah and-

 

D returns from the kitchen area with a large plate full of various appetizers.

 

D

Shut up for thirty seconds, everyone! It's spring rolls, shrimp, and a cheese and meat plate!

 

C

Saved by the appetizers.

 

B

My point can be made in twenty nine seconds from now.

 

Everyone starts munching on the food.

 

A

Or we could call the whole thing off.

 

B (to C)

I was just wondering if you'd admit that all this gift giving and buying that Christmas has now become is still rooted in the wise men giving gifts.

 

C

They were giving gifts to the son of god. Pretty sure when it comes to deserving gifts, we're not all on that level.

 

D (muttering)

Well speak for yourself...

 

A

And maybe since all sort so holidays change over time, maybe we should stop buying people stuff for Christmas, anyway. If we're all complaining about crass commercialization, from Charlie Brown onwards, maybe that's what should go.

 

B

How dare you. Wash your mouth out with this wild shea butter massage soap.

 

D

This discussion about Christmas is thing everyone now hates about Christmas. Why can't we enjoy all the lovely things here right now? Whether it be people, rum with egg nog or the shrimp, even though there wasn't any dipping sauce.

 

C

Isn't it just ketchup and horseradish?

 

A

It doesn't matter what it is, what's important to them is that the sauce isn't here right now.

 

B

Oh Santa, if you really do exist, you'll a find a way to get a lovely assortment of sweet and spicy dipping sauces to us before the spring rolls get cold.

 

A

So he's got six hours?

 

C

Yeah, what is it about spring rolls that keep the heat in?

 

D

I think you just answered your own question.

 

C

I mean a more science-y answer.

 

A

Yes, how can you possibly master the complicated process of plugging in backyard Christmas lights without an extensive background on heat retention?

 

C

I bet it's more closely related than you think.

 

D

Let's hang some spring rolls in the backyard, then.

 

B

You know we don't have to actually decorate the backyard.

 

A

Well the owners got to decorate the front of the house before we got here, and it's not Christmas if Iím not at one point precariously dangling on an old ladder carrying a giant plastic candy cane with a screwdriver between my teeth.

 

C

I wonder when they put up their stuff.

 

D

That's what we can do instead of caroling. We can go door to door and get dirt on the people we're air bnb-ing this place from.

 

B

If they have several boxes of additional decorations left over after making the front of the house look like Santa's workshop, I'm pretty sure they're the type that are pumped for the holidays and do it early.

 

C

Yet they don't stay here for the actual Christmas holidays. Odd, yes?

 

D

All the more reason to go door to door getting dirt.

 

A

I bet there's no good, fun dirt, and that the scandal around them is that most people think they put up the decorations too early.

 

C

Like November early?

 

B

November's not too early if it's the last week.

 

A

No, no, no. November's too early for anything Christmas. It's like releasing some sort of Christmas film or special or skit in late November. Wait a bit. Don't go poppin' off when there's like four weeks to go.

 

C

I'm pretty sure the beast that is global consumerism has a few issues with your statement.

 

A

She ain't the boss of me. (Standing up) So are we going to outside and hang up these leftover freak-erations and annoy the people who can see into the backyard?

 

B (standing up)

Sure, just a sec. (drains their glass of whisky on the rocks) I'll grab the ladder.

 

The front door suddenly opens and Santa Claus steps inside carrying a food delivery bag.

 

Santa

Ho, ho, ho!

 

D

It's Santa!

 

C

It's a guy dressed as Santa.

 

B

And he really went all out, wow. That's an A-plus suit, man.

 

D

And it's the only reason we haven't called the police just yet.

 

Santa

Oh, I know you four are a bit too old to believe in this jolly old elf, but I assure you, in very rare cases Christmas miracles to do come true.

 

A

'Holiday miracles', thank you very much.

 

C

I think we can still hitch 'Christmas' to 'miracle', since they're both pretty Jesus-y.

 

B

Do you get along with Jesus, Santa? And make the answer funny before you actually tell us why you just opened the door and walked right in.

 

Santa

Ho, ho, ho! I come bearing requested gifts. (walking over and unzipping the delivery bag) I was asked by name to deliver a bountiful arrangement of dipping sauce for the shrimps and spring rolls.

 

Santa removes several small bowls with plastic wrap stretched over them, and begins to remove the plastic as he introduces each one. Everyone else seems to look at this in complete shock.

 

Santa

This is a lovely traditional cocktail sauce, here's an excellent ginger root base which mingles sweet and spicy very well, I know no one has anything bad to say about a traditional plum sauce, and just to keep it interesting here is a mayonnaise and dijon mustard mix that is straight from Mrs. Claus's own kitchen counter.

 

A (to everyone but Santa)

You know those cookies we ate around lunch? They weren't, y'know, special cookies, right? With the 'only recently made legal' magic ingredient?

 

B

Oh my god, it's actually Santa. There's a real Santa. Holy shit.

 

Santa (wagging finger, but still jolly)

Language, please. It's not too late to make the naughty list.

 

C

No, but...no...

 

B

The other option is that someone has bugged this place and heard us complain about sauces and then dressed up as Santa to deliver them.

 

D

Well that's still more plausible than...y'know...

 

A

It's a real, no fingers crossed, definitely collusion Christmas miracle!

 

Santa (starting to head to the door)

Ho, ho, ho. Speaking of which, I believe I better be heading out and get ready for my busy night.

 

C

Wait, wait! Santa, while you're here! I want a TurboGraphix- 16!

 

B

I want my company to accept my proposal to work from home for the year!

 

D

I want a wider selection of sauces!

 

Santa (opening door)

Now, now. It wouldn't be very miraculous if I just gave you everything you wanted, would it?

 

A (Trying to block Santa from leaving)

Santa...Mr. Claus...I've got a great business opportunity for you. A twenty five thousand dollar buy-in.

 

Santa (effortlessly and gracefully keeping the door open and stepping past A)

Oh, ho, ho, ho. You aren't tying me to a chair like in the last Christmas skit.

 

A (about to go outside after Santa)

Santa-

 

B (holding A back)

Okay, you're about to tackle an old man on the front lawn.

 

A

A magical old man!

 

D (trying dipping sauces)

Guys, you gotta try these dipping sauces!

 

A sighs and goes back with B to the food, where C and D are eating.

 

C

This mayonnaise-mustard hybrid is the best thing I've ever put in my mouth.

 

A

I don't know if the rest of the holiday can live up to that moment.

 

Three ghosts float up from beneath the floor, looking tough.

 

Ghost of Christmas Present

Oh, we're just getting started with you bastards.

 

 

END

Imitation is some form of flattery, according to some lawyer 'friends'