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NOT NEWS
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Details
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f Halloween Skit
Dracula, Frankenstein, the Wolfman, and Jeffery Dahmer are in a station wagon stuck in traffic in the early evening. Dracula at the wheel, Wolfman in the passenger seat, Frankenstein and Dahmer in the back.
Wolfman We should call and tell them we'll be late.
Dracula We won't be late.
Frankenstein Sayin' shit like tha' don' make it so.
Dracula (looking via rearview mirror) What the hell did you say?
Frankenstein I says sayin' shit like tha' don' make it so.
Dracula (squinting at Frankenstein via rearview mirror) I liked you better when you could only say one word at time.
Frankenstein Haters gonna hate.
Wolfman (grabbing reusable coffee cup from the cup holder) That's what you say to everything. Even the guy screaming at the gas station as the count dug into neck. (mocking) 'Ahhh! Ahh!' 'Haters gonna hate.' (sips cup, grimaces) Ugh, god.
Dracula There is no god. There is only Zuul.
Wolfman Well Zuul made me accidentally grab your drink.
Dracula Don't pretend you don't like the taste of blood.
Wolfman I like it when I'm tearing apart the flesh of some transient in the woods. I don't like it in a plastic container mixed with coffee.
Dracula Don't worry, it's decaf. (honks horn irritably)
Wolfman (sarcastically) Oh, well, in that case... Dracula (to the car in front of him) Come on! Move!
Dahmer I'm hungry.
They all kind of look around to stare at Dahmer in the back seat.
Wolfman What did I say before we left, Jeffery?
Frankenstein You be trippin' and talkin' shit about Goodie Mob-
Wolfman I was telling you to turn it down-
Frankenstein You says, 'turn that shit down'...
Wolfman (yelling, practically growling) I wasn't ragging on Goodie Mob!
Dahmer I'm hungry.
Frankenstein You even hear Soul Food?
Dracula (to Dahmer) Burger and fries hungry, or pre-teen boys hungry?
Dahmer I took my pills.
Dracula So burger and fries hungry.
Wolfman I said to eat before we left, Jeffery. There's only going to be snacks at this thing.
Dracula Are there chips in the bag back there?
Frankenstein Ah, ay! They be party chips. We ain't chowin' down on party chips in th' car. This ain't no party.
Wolfman Do you want to babysit Jeff the whole time at the party because he feels a bit funny in the head because he didn't eat when he was hungry?
Frankenstein Ain't gonna be no kids at this thing! We don' gotta plan every outing like he' gonna fuck 'round with a buncha eight year olds!
Dahmer I don't like dill pickle chips.
Dracula That's it. I'm getting off the highway next exit.
Wolfman That's not going to be-
Dracula I don't care if York street is also jammed up. At least we'll have options when we get off 294.
Wolfman (muttered) Well this wouldn't be a problem if we just left earlier...
Dracula What's that?
Wolfman I said-
Dracula I know what you said. I was giving you a chance to say 'nevermind', but if you weren't going to do that, then fuck you. Find your own way to the suburbs.
Wolfman I could have taken your car-
Dracula You aren't driving my car.
Frankenstein Don't fuck wit' another man's ride.
Dracula Thank you. But Goodie Mob is overrated, Frankie.
Frankenstein Man, fuck you, blood sucker. Soul Food's fucking all class.
Wolfman One critically acclaimed debut album doesn't mean they can't be overrated.
Frankenstein Nas. Motherfuckin' Nas.
Dracula and Wolfman look at each other, then back to Frankenstein.
Wolfman What about Nas?
Dahmer Life is a bitch.
Frankenstein Nas drop one stone cold, one all time greatest, and he gets all the props forever. Why not Goodie?
Dracula Don't tell me you're comparing Illmatic to Soul Food. Don't...don't tell me you're doing that.
Dracula has to suddenly jam his foot on the break and all four of them jerk forward in their seats, held in place by their seatbelts.
Frankenstein Get those high beams goin' there, Drac.
Dracula I don't need high beams. We're on the interstate in central Chicago with street lights bearing down on us. And I can see in the dark. What I need is this shithead in the Corolla to drive like a human fucking being.
Dahmer My chest hurts.
Wolfman You have to breathe. You're remembering to breathe, right?
Dahmer Usually.
Frankenstein Aw yeah. This motherfucker be off da chain. Only breathe when I wanna breathe. Fuck the man an' his rules about lungs.
Dracula (in rearview mirror) What are you talking about?
Wolfman Ignore him. You really want to get off the highway?
Dracula No, the traffic's probably bad everywhere, but it would be a lot easier to check the trunk if we get off.
Wolfman You're worried about the stuff in the cooler?
Dracula You aren't?
Wolfman I'm worried about being late to the party, I'm worried about running into the Invisible Man and his mistress, I'm worried about this weird spot on my inner thigh where all the hair's falling out, I'm worried that Jeff's going to wander off tonight and wake up tomorrow in a daycare centre covered in blood, I'm worried about climate change, global inequality, and the state of mainstream and underground hip hop. I'm not worried about the stuff in the cooler.
Dahmer Maybe I want ice cream.
Dracula You can't eat the ice cream in the cooler. Well you can, but at the party. Not here in the car.
Dahmer I meant more ice cream.
Dracula More ice cream?
Wolfman What do you mean by more ice cream?
Dahmer I meant more ice cream.
Wolfman More-
Dracula Did you eat all the ice cream? (to Wolfman) He couldn't have done it, right?
Wolfman He was chained up until just before we left. (to Frankenstein) You were keeping an eye on him, right?
Frankenstein I be turnin' down the music, yo'. Following orders and all that, yes sir, no sir.
Dracula For god's sakes.
Wolfman Frank, lean back and grab the cooler.
Frankenstein Ay, you know that in my hood we gotta little thing called 'please'?
The Wolfman opens his mouth to say something as Dracula looks over to him and rolls his eyes.
Wolfman (sighs) Sweet Frankenstein, if it wouldn't trouble you too much, can you please take the cooler from the trunk and inspect its contents?
Frankenstein (unbuckling seatbelt) Now tha's what I'm talkin' 'bout. (getting up and turning around to grab the cooler out of the trunk) A hit of respec' carries you right through the' night.
Dracula (looking at the traffic in front of him, gesturing) Oh, for fuck's sake. Look at that. Doesn't anyone in this city know how to drive?
Wolfman Well everything should speed up now that we’ve come to the accident.
Dracula Right at the start of the off ramp, though. (looking in the rearview mirror, to Frankenstein, as he's leaning over the back seat) Pull up your pants. (to Wolfman) It's like destiny's fucking with us.
Wolfman She's not going to be there, is she?
Dracula Who, Destiny? Why, did you fuck her, too?
Wolfman (after a moment) So what's the next exit? Another three miles?
Dracula A simple 'no comment' would-
Frankenstein (looking in the cooler) The fuck is this shit?
Dracula What do you mean?
Frankenstein This shit for real?
Dracula Talk to me, Frank. Is it just because you don't like heavenly hash?
Frankenstein We got some choice body parts in here, g's, but ain't no cream nowhere.
Wolfman Body parts?
Frankenstein Arms, legs, all wrapped up in plastic. All organized and shit. Real pro-looking. (to Dahmer) You wanna say something, D-man?
Dahmer There's no ice cream.
Wolfman How could you have eaten all the food in there and replaced it with- no, no, no. I'm not even going to keep thinking about that. That can't be it. We must've grabbed the wrong cooler.
Dracula The wrong cooler? I don't have a cooler full of dead body parts we can accidentally grab on the way to being late for a party. Do you?
Wolfman Well...
Dracula 'Well'?!
Frankenstein Oh, snap! Folds like a two-seven!
Wolfman (growling low) Shut it!
Dracula It's actually yours? You didn't even try to blame it on Dahmer?
Dahmer I'd like to bathroom now.
Wolfman We all know Dahmer's not that organized. Not after he's been all doped up. He's like a zombie with a sweet tooth.
Frankenstein So why you got a cooler full of arms an' legs? Tryin' t' buy a yacht?
All three of them - even Dahmer - turn to stare at Frankenstein. Then Dracula jams on the brakes and they jerk forward a little in their seats.
Wolfman Thanks for taking the heat off me for five seconds.
Dracula (pointing to Frankenstein) To be continued. (pointing to Wolfman) Body parts in the cooler in my trunk.
Wolfman It was like two in the morning, I was in Grant Park-
Dracula Grant Park?!
Wolfman Yes, Grant Park.
Dracula Not the most secluded place to be tearing homeless people to bits, is it?
Wolfman I was trying to stay calm, hunt some squirrels, when this jogger-
Dracula They weren't even a hobo?! You iced some hotshot lawyer or advertising executive?!
Wolfman She looked amazing in the moonlight-
Dracula It was a she?!
Frankenstein Can't be runnin' down no big money birds. Cops keeps their snouts open forever for those bitches.
Wolfman I didn't know what came over me, blah, blah, blah, when I came back to my senses I made some bends and rips to make her fit in my duffel bag and I came back home through the sewers.
Dracula And you left parts of her in a cooler. Nice way to tie up the loose ends. How long ago was this?
Frankenstein (inspecting arm) Gonna guess three days...
Wolfman About that.
Dracula And when were you going to break the news to us? Sometime around never?
Wolfman Like you've been completely open and honest about every little thing.
Dracula I have! Goddamnit, I have! I will probably stand by my record! I write down the name and blood type of every one of my victims on the board in the study! Frank even wrote down the name of the football player he knocked off when he needed a new right foot.
Frankenstein I'm rockin' a Heisman foot, yo'.
Wolfman What about how you got all that brand new office furniture?
Dahmer I bathroomed.
Dracula I'm not talking about getting a great deal in Chinatown for stuff that fell off the back of a truck! I'm talking about being open about when you killed out of hunger, suppressed murderous rage, or body repair!
Frankenstein Tell it, brosam. Testify.
Wolfman (growling, to Frankenstein) Shut it. (to Dracula) Fine. I was trying to keep it under wraps for a few more days, until any sort of media push died down, at which point I would quietly jam everything into a wood chipper and then feed the remains to pigs up at Crowley's ranch in Wisconsin. Happy? I just wanted to keep it quiet so none of you would worry or bother me about it. That's all.
Dracula Well, you fucked that up by keeping the cooler with Exhibit A, your honour beside the cooler with the ice cream.
Dahmer I ice creamed.
Frankenstein You what- (grimaces) Aw, shit dog! You fuckin' piss yourself?
Dracula Wait, what? Did he? Did you fucking piss in my fucking car?!
Frankenstein He did.
Dahmer I ice cream bathroomed.
Dracula What does that mean? Those are just words strung together!
Wolfman Now I'm getting a whiff of it.
Cars honk behind them.
Dracula (into the rearview mirror) Shut up! (turning to Dahmer) You went before we left! You said you would make it to the party!
Wolfman Well we should have been there half an hour ago.
Dracula turns to stare angrily at Wolfman.
Frankenstein Shit just got real.
Wolfman I'm not taking sides-
Dracula Really? It sounds like you're taking sides. And I don't know if that's the side you want to be on, because that's more or less the same side as a guy with a cooler full of body parts he's too lazy to dispose of.
Wolfman roars his displeasure and leans in close to Dracula, breathing heavy, seemingly ready to attack. Dracula doesn't flinch.
Dracula Go ahead. Attack me, make me crash and cause a fifty car pile up. I'm the living dead. I'll walk out of here, Frank'll hobble out and find himself a new pair of everything, and no one'll give a shit about baby bladder being DOA. You'll be here all squashed and moaning, with the evidence of your mistake all over the mangled back seat.
Silence in the car. Wolfman is still breathing hard, but seemingly calming down. It’s tense.
Frankenstein We all cool with Outkast, though, right? I ain't frontin' when I say they top tier...
Wolfman leans back against his seat and sighs.
Wolfman Aquemini is...very, very good. (gesturing to something outside) And here's the exit.
Dracula I see it. And everyone roll down your windows. Let's see if we can get the smell of piss out of here.
Dahmer I'm hungry.
Frankenstein hands Dahmer one of the body parts. Dahmer sniffs it suspiciously.
END
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'heavenly wine and roses seem to whisper to me when you smile' | |||