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Just Scratching the Surface
Terry
Jeff Probably.
Terry It’s not my fault! I had an itch, I scratched where it itched, I didn’t think she’d be coming around the corner.
Jeff Hey, I’m not the one you have to convince.
Terry I don’t even know what I’d say. Like, ‘You know that thing you saw me do? It wasn’t for the sick reason you thought it was.’
Jeff What a great icebreaker.
Terry Well, maybe you could talk to her.
Jeff What, and tell her that you weren’t making an obscene gesture towards her, but merely scratching your balls with impunity?
Pause.
Terry There’s no way around this, is there?
Jeff Nope. You should have given your nads the faithful rubdown while facing the wall.
Terry I didn’t know she was coming!
Jeff You said that already. But you’ll admit that even if she knew it was an innocent testicle realignment, this does say something about your character. Would she want a man who would casually pinch and roll?
Terry It wasn’t a pinch and roll. It was more of a deep massage with fingernails.
Jeff Sorry, I guess I was giving you too much credit. You’re a flagrant sac scrubber. The point remains. A true gentleman would do it somewhere that is unquestionably private, or where the man to women ratio is essentially 1 to nil.
Terry But it itched so bad!
Jeff You don’t have bloody open sores all over your genitals, do you?
Terry No!
Jeff Then it could have waited.
Terry This just isn’t fair.
Jeff I believe the clichéd retort is that life itself is not fair.
Terry Does it matter that it was outside the pants?
Jeff Mmm…a bit, but that doesn’t mean she should have to date a dangle dingler.
Terry Where do you come up with these?
Jeff Don’t try and change the subject, sicko.
Terry Oh, like you’ve never done it.
Jeff You kidding? I’m a seasoned veteran. And that’s the difference. I know the when and wheres back and forth the in the world of nut relief. Walking down a public hallway with the added threat of a young lady you’ve been jonesin’ over, no sir. Keep your hands above the waist.
Terry There must be something I can say to her. Maybe send flowers.
Jeff No, no, no. Trust me, I’ve advised people like your before. Lay low, don’t talk to her about it, and don’t send flowers, ‘cause all she’ll wonder is if you rubbed them on your crotch. Just try to avoid her completely over the next week or two. If you go up to her any time soon, all she’ll see is the stupid face you were making while you stuck a front end loader onto your junk. Just go back to square one in a couple weeks, try some meek ‘good mornings’ and ‘hellos’, and maybe she’ll forget the time when she caught you digging for hairy gold.
Terry A few weeks?
Jeff At least.
Terry She could be dating someone else by then.
Jeff Yes, perhaps a man who know when and when not to dip into his change purse.
Terry Maybe I could start a rumour that this new guy does the same thing.
Jeff No, no. She’d have to catch him scratching his grundle. Or catch someone else scratching his grundle. That’s a relationship killer.
Terry Grundle? Are you just making words up now?
Jeff How dare you.
The two stare blankly at each other for a long time.
Terry So, let’s say, hypothetically…she gets over it and falls in love with my sweetness and charm.
Jeff So were talking extremely hypothetical. Pretty much fantasy.
Terry Hilarious. Would I be forbidden to ever scratch my nuts again?
Jeff Of course not. She’ll go out from time to time.
Terry I mean if she’s there.
Jeff Right in front of you?
Terry Yeah.
Jeff Are you really worried about it? That you couldn’t stop yourself in time to even leave the room for a second? Or just turn around?
Terry No, I’m just wondering if it’s different if I’ve already bagged her.
Jeff There’s some of that sweetness and charm you mentioned.
Terry Just answer the question, Mr. Expert.
Jeff Okay. I would say that yeah, if you married her, you can squeeze the bean bag as often as you like. Just like Al Bundy does.
Terry So then it’s a courting thing.
Jeff Sure, if you want to call it that. No going after the gonads in the first six months. It’s an unwritten rule. Like holding the door open for them. Which is a great time to do a quick grab, actually. Once they pass you and walk into the restaurant, you got a good three seconds as you follow her in when she definitely won’t turn around.
Terry Or I could do it any time during the meal when I’m sitting across from her.
Jeff Now you’re thinking like a dude. Just make sure there’s a table cloth. And that you don't have a look of extreme relief on your face. It's a dead giveaway. END
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your shattered dreams will drive you crazy, but so will your taped together life | |||