The Abandoned Station






Larry's Wad

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Little Green Wizard

Hey, look! It's the Little Green Wizard!

-hello everyone, he says to the eighty four of us who have briefly stopped pushing the boulder up the hill to wave, what are you up to this fine morning?

-we're trying to push this boulder up this hill, we reply, sounding just a bit nervous because come on, it's the Little Green Wizard!

-well I suppose I can help you with that, he says, stroking his well-trimmed beard, I don't believe that the Big Blue Wizard is nearby...

And all eighty four of us burst into applause. Wouldn't you? Look who it is! Think of what he's done! The legacy that cuts an imposing shadow across the path of history!

He pulls out his tiny yellow wand from a pocket on his left side, taps it lightly on the edge of reality, begins to wave it around like conducting an invisible symphony.

-Walla-tra-lam, walla-tra-lum, hep-spittle-hollow, hap-shuttle-hum!

And it's not just the magic words, or the magic wand, or the magic molecules that made up the magical cells that made up the magical body of the Little Green Wizard. No, it's clearly a nourishing blend of all the three of these things together that gave him his power.

Because mere seconds after the last word left his lips, the boulder began to creak and shake back and forth, and yes, just as we expected but dare not hope for, the humungous Rock began to rise off the well rolled ground upon which it sat. A careful controlled rise eight feet into the air. Hovering comfortably in semi-violation of fundamental physics.

With his wand as a guide, simply, lightly brushing it in the general direction of the top hill was enough to have the Boulder thoughtlessly, eagerly follow. So up it went, from the rolling grass of the first third, to the bleak tundra-like middle, all the way to snow-laden top third, coming to rest perfectly atop four massive tree stumps equidistant apart.

Our work year was at an end, all thanks to the Little Green Wizard with the big human heart.

We cheered, we danced, we hastily wrote poems and songs in praise of our hero that would be refined and improved over the coming hours.

But then black lightning suddenly split the beautiful green sky.

We all jumped half a foot in perfect unison and even the Little Green Wizard snapped his neck around faster than shaking lambs' tails. The flash and sound were a surprise, but what appeared right after it was no surprise at all:

The Big Blue Wizard.

Who did not appear happy with our revelry, or the appearance of our exalted guest.

-what is this? What's going on?

But he quickly looked around and put magical two plus magical two together and looked angrily at the Little Green Wizard.

-why did you put their boulder at the top of the hill?

-they asked me, the Little Green Wizard said with a smile, very nicely, I might add, to lessen their burden and place the large boulder at the top of the hill.

-that's their job! That's what I was paying them do for the next eleven and a half months!

-yes, pay us, pay us! We cried, the job is done, just as you asked!

-I shouldn't pay you a red cent, the Big Blue Wizard said to us, you did nothing at all. If anyone should be paid, it should be the Little Green Wizard.

-oh no, the magical man in question replied, I couldn't possibly accept any payment for something that comes as simple to me as touching my nose in a plain white room.

-fine, the Big Blue Wizard snarled while looking all of us in the eye, then nobody gets paid. I'll keep the money and invest it in Grindlemir's Potions and Powders.

-what? That's not fair! You didn't specify we couldn't outsource, we cried.

-I said you all must carry the great boulder up the hill to the ruins of Rathorg. That was not open to any sort of interpretation.

-then think of our ingenuity as worth a year's salary!

-asking a wizard to do your job for you is not ingenious, he replied, glaring the Little Green Wizard, whose patient, mischievous face did not seem to give any insight into his feelings at the moment.

-it's taking advantage of our surroundings, we insisted, and the larger point remains. You wanted the big boulder on top of the hill. We got it done in record time, and deserve restitution.

-I'm not going to pay you, the Big Blue Wizard said, crossing his arms, and that's absolutely, positively, stupendously final.

-that I cannot allow, the Little Green Wizard said, already loosening the wrist of his wand hand, ready for anything, the job is done, they deserve payment.

-they do not deserve payment, came the reply, and don't you point that thing at me...

The Big Blue Wizard's power of logistics and bureaucratic efficiency meant his dueling skills were rather rusty. He barely got his wand aimed at the Little Green Wizard before the latter already found its target, whispered, and fired a concentrated blast of magical whatchamacallit. And with a bright red pop, The Big Blue Wizard vaporized out of existence once and for all.

Even more cheers for this hero of the masses! Redemption for our many years of living under the yoke of Big Wizard. The chains have been broken! The first of many steps of taking back what is rightfully ours!

-I do not need your continued praises, the Little Green Wizard said, as long as the right thing has been done, that's reward enough for-

-access his bank account! We yelled at his tiny frame, hack the crooked system!

-oh well-

-his wife probably got everything in his will, we said, maybe you her?

We added a flick of our wrists holding mock wands to leave no uncertain terms.

-I... I think we're entering into an extremely grey area morally, he began, sounding a little unsure for the first time.

-don't get soft on us now Little Green Wizard, we yelled, only with your naive nature and limitless power can we easily manipulate you into making us the new masters!

-you've made the terrible mistake of revealing your awful plan to me, he replied, once again waving his wand, but this time in our general direction.

We were ready for this, however. Three weeks ago we captured the Stupid Yellow Wizard, cut off his wanding arm (with wand still clutched in his fingers) and kept it more or less alive in a bag of ice. Now us non-magical folk wouldn't have much luck saying a spell, aiming a disembodied wizard arm and having something extraordinarily impossible happen that would turn this impending fight in our favour.

No, instead some of us just snuck up behind him and stabbed him in the lower back with the Stupid Yellow Wizard's wand, still attached to the Stupid Yellow Wizard's arm, which two of us were holding onto like a tiny battering ram. There was enough magic in these two items to quickly make the Little Green Wizard turn a hideous, weakened grey colour.

-ahh! He cried out, you terrible...manipulative-

And we all set upon him, punching and kicking, as he feebly tried to shoot ever weakening spells all over the place. The two of us with the arm/wand combo removed the weapon and then stabbed him again three inches to his left side, right in his magical pancreas.

He howled like a wounded animal, his beard beginning to smoke, and that's when we knew it was over. Three us scoured through our belongings for the same cleaver we used on the Stupid Yellow Wizard, and when the Little Green Wizard saw us approach, blade gleaming in the early afternoon sun, he knew exactly what was happening.

-no, he gasped, teeth yellowing and skin wrinkling at an exponential rate, leave I...

The cut was made easily. We'd gotten better, more confident since the last time. Ready with the ice and bags right away. Not only did we get the arm, but some of us clipped off fingers, toes, and earlobes and found that wearing them on necklaces gave them a touch of mind reading.

His penis turned to dust before we could lop it off, but other than that, thanks a bunch, stupid little green wizard!




If this reality is just a simulation, then what happens to the (currently) seven billion bits of complicated information once the simulation/game ends?