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The Christmas Skit
The Slightly Rude Adventures of Diana the Moon Goddess and a Plastic Bag
Episode One
Diana
The pearls have been hidden in the four corners of this palace.
It might take a long time to search it all, plastic bag.
Plastic Bag
As long as I can watch you bend over to check under the chesterfield, I'll
be fine.
Diana
What is this word, 'chesterfield'?
Plastic Bag
You know, like a sofa.
Diana
So why not simply say 'sofa'?
Plastic Bag
I'm trying to sound fancy, Diana, since I was made on an assembly line, it
doesn't come easy.
Diana
Do not be ashamed of your humble beginnings, plastic bag. You are much
more than several million polyethylene strands, because it is not where
you start, nor where you end, but how you spend the time between those two
moments that make you who you are. But please stop trying to wrap around
my legs as I'm talking to you.
Plastic Bag
Speaking of which, how often do you shave them? They look as smooth as a
marble stick of butter.
Diana
Well-
Suddenly the ceiling splits in two, and a centaur with airplane wings
instead of natural bird-like ones comes roaring down, breathing flames and
racial slurs.
Diana
Ah! My virgin ears!
Despite Plastic Bag's best efforts to protect her, the centaur pulls out a
whip and starts lashing Diana, her loose flitting robe falling to the
floor to reveal a vomit coloured clown costume underneath, which hugged
her hips tightly.
The centaur laughs with glee and picks her up effortlessly with one hand,
obvious lust in his eyes.
Diana
Plastic bag, help me!
Plastic Bag
I've got such a weird boner right now.
Episode Two
Diana
I don't like the looks of this, Plastic Bag.
Plastic Bag
That's
'cause you don't have the view I have, honey.
Diana
Honestly,
plastic bag, if you can't keep focused on our quest, then the entire
Plastic Bag
That's
not going to happen, obviously. We got the mad skills that will definitely
overthrow Johnny Big Talk.
Diana
Now,
now. We are not the sort of duo that look to replace governments. It's up
to the people to release themselves from the yoke of oppression.
Plastic Bag
Yeah, well, we'll see how you feel when you watch Jonny dangle one of his
citizens over his indoor piranha pond.
Diana
Oh,
that's just a spurious rumour.
Plastic Bag
I'm
beginning to think you have a bit of a crush on Big Talk.
Diana
How
dare you, plastic bag! Just because I don't think he owns several
implements of torture is no indication that I've been daydreaming about
his impeccable cheekbones.
Plastic Bag
Right. Anyway, the guards are about to make the rounds, so it's high time
to sneak through the ventilation shaft.
Diana
I wish there was a way we could do this without all this air blowing up my
dress.
Plastic Bag
We
all have to make sacrifices. I wasn't able to do the crossword this
morning.
Diana
Well
here we are in the control room, which has definitely seen better days.
Plastic Bag
I don't know why the windows are all blown out but the computers seem to
working fine.
Diana
Maybe
we should turn them off and back on!
Johnny Big Talk
Don't you dare try your tech support trickery on me, Moon Goddess Diana.
Diana
Oh
my, it's Jonny Cheek Bones! I mean, Big Talk!
Plastic Bag
Yeesh.
Diana
Look
smart, plastic bag, and don't slouch.
Plastic Bag
It's the wind, I can't do anything about it.
Johnny Big Talk
Now is the time for you to meet your new master, Diana.
Corporate Consultant
Not so fast!
Diana
The
corporate consultant!
Johnny Big Talk
But how?
Corporate Consultant
You forgot to turn off the auto-renewal. I've been on your payroll for
months.
Johnny Big Talk
Damn my assistants!
Plastic Bag
Good thing you just can't find good help nowadays.
Episode Four
After escaping the clutches of Doctor Manichean, Diana and Plastic Bag
fall into the clutches of Professor Gnost.
Diana
I'm
sweating so much, Plastic Bag, it is truly too hot in here!
Plastic Bag
We just have to look for the Turna key and then we can return to the cool,
cool waters of Marsapeckmanbushwhack Beach.
Diana
Are you at all suspicious that the name of the key is also something you
do to a key? Is it possible that you heard the golden goat's instructions
wrong?
Plastic Bag
I love goats made of all sorts of elements! I know what it said as it
gnawed on my handle!
Diana
Please, plastic bag, we seem to be going around in circles.
Plastic Bag
And even worse, rhombuses.
Diana
Well why don't you try to remember what the golden goat said while I rub
this ice cube over my neck and chest.
Plastic Bag
Certainly. He mentioned something about sticking the clam down the toad,
and how the burly word catches the fern.
Diana
My goodness, plastic bag, even I know what he was trying to say! Although
why they would be such cliche phrases is beyond me.
Plastic Bag
Well it's your turn to dig now. I'm sure that whatever is under this
sandcastle was worth the $4000 shovel we've been using.
Diana
I really hope you're right. I would love to buy back that earring I had to
sell to get it. It was a priceless family heirloom.
Professor Gnost
That's too bad, Goddess Diana, you didn't notice who was really selling
you that lousy shovel!
Diana
Professor Gnost!
Professor Gnost
It is I! And my step-son, whose mother insisted I take him along!
Plastic Bag
At least your moustaches match.
Episode Five
Diana
Are
you sure you can land this plane, plastic bag? The controls don't seem to
be responding to anything!
Plastic Bag
That's why you're a moon goddess and not a moon queen, Diana. Sometimes
you just gotta believe.
Diana
I believe you don't have to be sitting on my lap while you do this, if
that's what you mean.
Plastic Bag
That's not what I mean. I'm referring to that feeling you get when your
associate demands that you use all your imagination to picture just enough
fuel in the tanks so it could make around the next mountain to maybe land
on the seemingly abandoned airstrip.
Diana
Well that sounds like a lovely way to save on baggage handling fees. I
don't want to have to tip that worker the same way I did last time.
Plastic Bag
Hold on, Diana, we're coming in hot!
Diana
My goodness! It's like I'm being embraced by my uncle who suddenly
transformed into an angry dragon!
Plastic Bag
Is that a reference that I don't get?
Diana
Oof!
Plastic Bag
Well that could have been worse.
Diana
I think we landed right on the shower statue's shoulder.
Plastic Bag
I'd go so far as to call that a silver landing.
Diana
This pose reminds me of the first time my handmaiden showed me how to use
a lathe.
Plastic Bag
I think I've seen that video.
Diana
Oh,
no plastic bag, look! Hideous towel mongers!
Plastic Bag
Don't move, Diana, they have horrible vision, and will coil up before they
attack.
Diana
It's
like that third anecdote in my past involving-
Plastic Bag
Your mouth is moving! That counts!
Diana
Just like-
Towel Monger
My god a fourth one? I'm a creepy towel monger and I'm getting tired of
it.
Episode Six
Diana
The people are ready for a new hope, plastic bag.
Plastic Bag
Considering the strike back from that empire penguin we got last night,
there better be a return of the jet I parked in the hangar.
Diana
You and your flying machines, plastic bag, sometimes I just don't know
what to think.
Plastic Bag
Don't worry, I feel the same way about your legs.
Diana
My
driving instructor said the same thing. At least he said he was my driving
instructor.
Plastic Bag
Calm down, Goddess, there's a drone coming our way.
Diana
It's a good thing we've tied you to a stick to make a last second
surrender flag.
Plastic Bag
They shoot flags, don't they?
Diana
Only if you decide to flap obscenely.
Plastic Bag
That's the only way I know how to flap.
Diana
Plastic Bag
Does that mean I can come down?
Diana
Why would you want to? You have the best view, I have to get on my hands
and knees and look through these cracks in these walls.
Plastic Bag
I've noticed that, too. Don't worry, just stay like that and I'll tell you
anything exciting that happens outside your line of sight.
Diana
Oh my gods, look at the size of that one's beak!
Plastic Bag
I've seen bigger, but I've never seen a flamingo use it like that.
Diana
Oh it's terrible, plastic bag, look how many of them aren't getting up!
Plastic Bag
It's sounds like you're more upset about these birds fighting than any
time we've seen people go at it.
Diana
That's because an ostrich killed my uncle, plastic bag. Those are foul,
fowl emotional wounds that will never heal.
Plastic Bag
Well neither will those future meals on the battlefield. You hungry,
Diana?
Diana
It looks quite delicious, I cannot lie, but you know how I feel about raw
meat.
Plastic Bag
Oh you can fry anything with enough oil.
Episode Eight
Diana
I can't believe that dastardly Doctor Robert switched our minds and
bodies, plastic bag!
Plastic Bag
I know, it's great!
Diana
What are you talking about, I don't have any hands to run over my former
lithe body. I can't tell just how soft and supple my skin is without
asking you.
Plastic Bag
Well ask away, I don't mind checking every few minutes.
Diana
Maybe only once an hour. We have to focus on putting everything back the
way it was, and the first step to that is forcing the receptionist to make
an appointment for us with that dastardly Doctor Robert!
Plastic Bag
Are we ready to take on the limitless power of a receptionist-assassin?
Diana
Maybe if you pretend to be me and I pretend to be you, then you could woo
them briefly and when they are ready to swoon I can tumble over the desk
and scribble our name in the schedule book.
Plastic Bag
That's going to send my premium through the roof. My polyethylene
injections are the whole reason I have a side-gig as a merchant banker.
Diana
I thought that was just a Halloween party dare.
Receptionist
Can I help you?
Plastic Bag
Oh, uh, hello yes, tee hee hee, I am the plainly attractive moon goddess
who is named Diana, and I have a problem with my...gag reflex.
Diana
My gag reflex is fine!
Receptionist
Is there a reason that plastic bag you have seems to be...rebuking you?
Plastic Bag
Oh, it's one of those latest technology phones that I get before everyone
else because of my amazing figure. You know how it is.
Doctor Robert
All right, Brenda, who's my next patient before- good lord, Goddess Diana
and her sidekick, Plastic Bag! I left you for dead on the ice floe, minds
twisted!
Plastic Bag
I am not her sidekick!
Episode Ten
Diana
It's
good to just sit here and enjoy this pan-Asian fusion cuisine for once,
plastic bag.
Plastic Bag
I agree, Diana, although I have no mouth for eating, stomach for
digestion, or rectum for excretion.
Diana
There
you go again, plastic bag, trying to woo me with your silver tongue.
Plastic Bag
I don't have one of those, either.
Alicia
Have you two decided on appetizers, or would you like another round of
soju?
Diana
Oh
my gosh, it's my long lost best friend, Alicia, empress of Persperia!
Alicia
Maybe you don't need another round of drinks.
Diana
No,
Alicia! It's me, Diana, you must be suffering from amnesia! Remember all
those nights we spent together camping, sharing the same sleeping bag
because it was so cold out, and we had to hold on to-
Alicia
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Plastic Bag
Hey, don't interrupt a customer when she's telling a story like that.
Diana
It's
okay, plastic bag, I know exactly what to do. Just let me stand up...
Alicia
Ma-am you can't be doing ta-chi in the middle of the restaurant, and that
dress is showing off plenty of skin when you bend over...
Plastic Bag
I'm definitely not going to be leaving a tip if you're going to buzzkill
this moment.
Diana
See, Alicia? Don't these positions jog your memory? Remember that time
with our aerobics instructor when the shower's weren't working properly?!
Alicia
Oh...my god! Diana! It's all coming back to me now! I'm...Alicia! My
father is Hubert and my mother is Grace, and I have to lead my people to
glory!
Plastic Bag
Well until you get all that sorted out, we'll have some veggie spring
rolls, some fish cakes, and one of those Korean potato patty things I
can't pronounce.
Diana
Aw,
you always know just what to order to make me happy, plastic bag. |
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