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Movie Spotlight: ‘Young Rump 6’
FADE IN: A living room in an apartment. Not an extremely run down apartment, but nothing too fancy, either. We hear people milling around in the off camera.
CAPTION: “ON SET.”
Jack Allnight (off screen, on phone) Yeah… yeah, I’ll pick some stuff up on the way home…no, hold on, let me get a piece of paper…give me a moment, I need to sit down…
A male actor enters, wearing a cheap bathrobe, that is very close to revealing too much. He sits in a chair on the phone, leaning over a coffee table, writing on a scrap of paper.
Jack Allnight …soy milk…some oranges…seedless raspberry jam…
CUT TO: The director.
Director I’m trying to get across the desperation that these girls have of reaching the next stage of their lives, of becoming strong, full women. It’s a traditional coming-of-age, bildungsroman archetype in four acts…with double anal penetration.
CUT TO: A young woman wearing bathrobe, addressing person beside the camera.
Christie Are you with the fluffer?
Interviewer No, we’re making a documentary.
Christie (confused) On a fluffer?
Interviewer No, on making adult films.
Christie (about to walk off) Oh. Well, if you see the fluffer, tell her she’s late.
Interviewer Can we ask you a question?
Christie I swear I’m over eighteen. I got ID in my bag.
Interviewer I was just going to ask if you enjoy working in this industry.
Christie Oh. Well, it beats getting up at seven and spending all day in an office.
Interviewer Do find that camaraderie exists between the actors and actresses?
Christie (confused) Camaraderie? Like splitting an eight ball?
Interviewer Or anything along the lines of a social gathering…
Christie (thinking hard) Well…about ten of us went bowling one night. (to herself) Or was that a movie set? (to camera) No, that was a film. Seven-Ten Sluts.
CUT TO: Another girl on set. She seems really out of it.
Tiffani I play Jenny. At first I’m all afraid of sex, but then I start to get used to it.
Interviewer And how quickly does your character make this turn?
Tiffani Well, the movie’s, like, ninety minutes long, and the final scene is me getting double teamed while eating out Christie
CUT TO: The director and the actors in the bedroom, crew around them.
Director (explaining to cast/crew) Okay, in this scene Jack breaks in, looking for the girl who seduced his girlfriend and his wife at the health club. (to Jack) At first you’re here for revenge, you’re angry, but then you see this chick, this incredible chick, and your cock rips through your pants. Got it?
Jack Allnight Yeah. Where are those special pants I gotta wear?
Director Uh, about that. We really couldn’t find a fabric that you can…rip through…and I’m not knocking your or your knob at all, I mean, no one can. So, the pants we got just kind of…reveal…your dick.
Jack Allnight (confused) What, like a curtain?
Director (struck with inspiration) Yeah…yeah, like a curtain! Like you’re about to reveal this great treasure! It’s like the big black monolith in 2001! Y’know, bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum…And there could be like, an orchestra that suddenly appears behind you as you get it out! (loudly to the crew and cast) Does anyone know any trumpeters?
CUT TO: Shots of people talking, moving equipment around.
VO (during above shots) Yet despite the ability to shoot quickly, cheaply, and improvise at will, many problems still plague the filming of Young Rump 6. For one, the fluffer arrives late, but to the surprise and disappointment of the male cast members, it’s not a woman.
CUT TO: Jack arguing with director.
Jack Allnight I’m not sticking my dick in that guy’s mouth! You can’t pay me enough for that! You have to get me George Clooney type money for me to let that happen. (muttering) Or at least seven shots of Jager.
Director Come on, look, we need to wrap up the shooting. My uncle will be back home in six hours. Just close your eyes and pretend its Tiffani.
Tiffani (offscreen, upset) My name’s Diane!
Jack Allnight And I’m not putting my dick in a guy’s mouth! I’m sure that’s some goddamn union rule, anyway! I’m not going to get blackballed for this, okay?
CUT TO: The male fluffer, looking sickly.
Interviewer And how do you feel about all this?
Fluffer (shivering, pale) Man, I just want to get paid, that’s all, man…I know what I’m here for, I just wanna get it over with.
CUT TO: The director, addressing the interviewer.
Director …So I don’t know what we’re going to do…
Interviewer You can’t ask an actress to do it?
Director Ask Tiffani, Amber, Christie, or Stephanie? No, no, no. I can’t do that. Can’t get the stars to do the grunt work. It’s like asking Stanley Kubrick to lug cables around his own set.
Interviewer Even though…
Director That’s what they’re paid to do? Yeah. (with a sigh) Even though. (pause) I don’t understand it myself, really. I’d look at it as practice, or rehearsal. That’s what Jimi Hendrix did. That’s what all pro ballplayers did. (quickly) I mean rehearsing a lot, not sucking guys off…
Interviewer Of course.
Director So yeah, I don’t know what we’re going to do. If we have to wait for Jack’s dick every time to film, it’s going to make things a lot hard-… more difficult.
CUT TO: Crew members scrambling into the bathroom, the Director at the doorway, waving them in.
Director Come on, come on, come on! He’s ready! We’ve got a five minute window! (to one cameraman) Bill, never take your eyes off his dick!
Director goes in.
Director (offscreen) Action!
Long-ish pause.
Director (offscreen, dejected) Cut!
Jack Allnight (offscreen) Well you can’t just fucking run in here, all right? There’s a science to this shit, okay?
Director (coming out of bathroom disappointed) All right, take a fifteen minute break everyone. I’ll run down to my car and find some Spanish fly or something.
Tiffani (exiting bathroom) Has anyone seen my crotch-less panties?
FADE OUT.
End.
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