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Moving Day
CREDITS FADE IN: Exterior shot of a semi-detached townhouse (not run down but not extravagant). CUT TO: Interior of house, the living room. Ryan is staring at his watch.
Ryan And he is officially…late.
Chris is in one corner of the room, unhooking the TV and DVD player.
Chris It’ll just give us more time to get stuff ready.
Ryan He went out last night, right?
Chris Yeah.
Ryan If he crashed his van, or drove it off a bridge…
Chris We would’ve heard it on the news.
Ryan Oh, come on. They don’t report every drunk driving crash, only the ones were someone got mowed down. All we know is that he didn’t kill anybody last night. At least not by running them over. (pause) I should call him again.
Chris You already left two messages. He’s obviously not near his phone. Calm down and have a cigarette.
Ryan Maybe I’ll roll a joint.
Chris Oh, no. Not until we have more shit all ready to go. I’m not carrying a futon down a flight of stairs stoned out of my mind.
Ryan You don’t have to smoke it.
Chris I don’t have to smoke it? A joint rolled in my own house and I don’t have to smoke it? Come on, look who you’re talking to.
Ryan Then we should start moving some things to the curb right now.
Chris And what, wait outside with it? It’s freezing out.
Ryan Then we’ll just move a couch. No one’s gonna take a couch from the side of the road.
Chris That’s how we got this couch.
Ryan Yeah, but someone was tossing it out. We’ll keep an eye on it out the window.
Chris A couch check every fifteen minutes.
Ryan Exactly.
Chris I think we’ll end up forgetting about it.
Ryan I won’t.
Chris (going to grab one end of the couch) Okay, then you’re in charge of watching the couch. You take full responsibility if it goes missing.
Ryan (grabbing other end) Done.
CUT TO: Exterior of house. The couch is outside. CUT TO: Chris in the bathroom, gathering toiletries. He spies something strange and examines it. He walks down the hall to the living room. Ryan is there.
Ryan Where the fuck is he?
Chris (looking at bottle) Is this your jar of gold bond?
Ryan I thought it was yours.
Chris It’s not. I think it’s been in the medicine cabinet since we moved in.
Ryan Well it has to have been, right? I don’t think anybody we’ve had over would leave some gold- oh wait.
Chris What?
Ryan Never mind.
Chris Aw, come on. What is it? Do you remember whose it is?
Ryan It’s not worth discussing. It’s below both of us.
Chris Did you nail a chick with itchy feet? Don’t be embarrassed. You can tell me.
Ryan You can use it other places.
Chris Really? Oh. (thinks about it, grimaces) Oh. Yeah, you’re right, I don’t wanna know.
Ryan More importantly, where is our so called- (looking out the window) Oh, shit! (runs out the room)
Chris What?
Ryan Someone’s taking the couch! (goes down the stairs)
Chris Fuck! I told you! (Chris follows Ryan)
CUT TO: Outside the house. Two people are examining the couch. Ryan bursts out of the house without a jacket, Chris follows behind, struggling to put his jacket on.
Ryan Hey! What the hell are you doing? That’s our couch!
Colin 1 What do you mean? It’s on side of the road!
Colin 2 Sidewalk, actually. Public space.
Ryan We’re moving today! We’re just keeping it outside until the van comes! (to Chris) We’re moving, right?
Chris That’s the plan.
The strangers look at each other.
Chris 1 Bullshit.
Ryan What do you mean, ‘bullshit’? It’s in front of the house I just walked out of!
Colin 1 That doesn’t make it yours.
Ryan and Colin 1 (to Chris/Colin 2, at the same time) Come on, back me up on this.
Chris I told you something like this was gonna happen.
Ryan You call that backing me up? (to the two of them) Look, guys, I’m sorry, it’s our couch. I mean, I wouldn’t be totally pissed if you took it right under our noses because it would be our fault for not seeing you take it. But we caught you, so it’s still ours. That’s just common sense.
Chris Do you want a bookshelf instead?
Ryan Chris, shut up for a minute.
Colin 2 What colour’s the bookshelf?
Chris White.
Ryan Chris, shut the fuck up!
Chris I’m bargaining, dickhead! I’m trying to get our couch back!
Ryan We don’t have to try and get our couch back! We never fucking lost it!
Colin 1 Jesus, no wonder you guys can’t live with each other anymore.
Chris No, we’re still gonna live together. This is just…talking.
Pause.
Colin 1 Fine. Keep the couch. (to Colin 2) Do we need a bookshelf?
Colin 2 I dunno. (to Chris) What’s the bookshelf look like?
Chris It’s a regular white Ikea bookshelf. Come on up and check it out.
Colin 1 and 2 think about this.
Colin Yeah, all right.
They start to follow Chris inside, while Ryan lags behind.
Ryan I think we’re gonna have to chain that bastard up.
Colin 2 Good idea.
They all go upstairs into the living room. Ryan goes right to closet and begins to look for a chain.
Colin 2 Hey, nice place.
Chris Thanks.
Colin 1 Yeah, why the hell are you moving out of here?
Chris It’s too far to travel for work. We found something more central. (gesturing) And there’s the bookshelf.
Colin 2 Well that’s a white bookshelf if I ever saw one.
Colin 1 (inspecting books as well) Hey cool, ‘Naked Lunch’! (examining book) I don’t have this version.
Ryan Disco! (emerges from closet with a lengthy heavy chain) Perfect. (he drapes them around his neck)
Chris
Colin 2 Isn’t it fucked up that people still remember that guy? He was around doing that, like, twenty years ago.
Ryan Mr. T’s gonna live forever. (exiting room) Back in a sec.
Colin 1 [reads obscene excerpt from Naked Lunch] Cool. Disgusting… but cool.
Chris Hey, you guys wanna sit down, smoke a joint?
Colin 2 I thought you said you were moving out today.
Chris Yeah, we’re fucking trying to! Our friend who has the van still hasn’t shown up. I was gonna wait until later before taking a toke, but this is getting ridiculous.
Colin 1 Bummer.
Colin 2 Huge bummer.
Chris People still say ‘bummer’, huh?
Colin 2 Only cool people.
Chris (taking joint out of a cigarette holder) Only cool people…well, it’s a pleasure to meet a couple of them.
Colin 1 Already rolled. You’re all prepared.
Chris We had a rolling party last week. Kind of a farewell thing.
Colin 2 Rolling party? Is that what it sounds like?
Chris (lighting joint) Exactly. It’s how I learned to roll good one.
Ryan (entering) What’s going on here?! I leave you alone for one minute and I come back and find you consuming narcotics with some people off the street!
Colin 1 Cool people.
Chris (to Ryan) Sorry, Dad. (hands him joint) Take a hit.
Ryan Thanks, son. I just talked to Paul. He’s on his way here.
Chris E.T.A.?
Ryan Under five minutes.
Chris Cool.
Ryan (passing joint to the Colin’s) That’s all I want for now. So what do you guys do?
The two look at each other.
Colin 2 Nothing.
Colin 1 This.
Colin 2 I’ve been known to show up at a college class sometimes.
Colin 1 I try to steal couches. (pause) Other than that, nothing worth reporting.
Colin 2 You guys said you worked. What do you do?
Chris Nothing worth reporting.
Ryan That’ll be the tagline for today.
Chris ‘Any news on Jake?’
Ryan ‘Nothing worth reporting.’
We hear a door being opened and closed downstairs.
Ryan That’s Paul.
Colin 1 Sounds more like a door. Dumb chuckling from all.
Chris How long will Paul stick around?
Ryan (going down the hall) Didn’t say. I don’t think he’s got anything else to do today.
Colin 1 Well, uh, if you guys need any help we don’t mind lending a hand, but after, uh… this… I don’t know how much we could do.
Colin 2 Yeah, anything other than putting books in a box might be…hard to do…
Chris Understood.
Paul (opening apartment door and entering main room) Man, I keep forgetting how nice this place is. (sniffs) Smells like a party in here. (notices the Colins) Where’s Jake?
Chris Can you believe it, the asshole hasn’t shown up yet.
Paul Have you called him?
Chris He’s not picking up his phone! I talked to Lisa, though. She says he partied hard last night.
Paul Guess you’ll have to move tomorrow.
Paul Don’t jinx it, it’s still only…(checks watch) Motherfuck. (realizes he hasn’t introduced Paul to the Colins) Oh, sorry. Guys, this is my friend Paul, he’s here to help out-
Paul Hey.
Colin 1 Hey.
Colin 2 Nice to metcha.
Chris And Paul this is… I’m sorry, I just realized I don’t know either of your names.
Colin 1 I’m Colin.
Colin 2 So am I.
Chris You’re both named Colin?
Colin 1 Right.
Chris Really?
Colin 2 Yeah.
Paul Well that makes it easy to remember. I’m guessing you guys just met.
Colin 1 Yeah, we were trying to steal their couch.
Paul The one chained up outside.
Colin 2 Right.
Ryan (entering) Hey, Paul.
Paul Hey, Ryan, how’s it going? Chris told me that Jake is AWOL.
Ryan Yeah, I know, I’m just trying to get kitchen packed up so we’ll be ready for him when he finally shows up.
Colin 2 If he shows up.
Ryan Don’t fucking jinx it, man! (to Chris) Can I talk to you in kitchen?
Chris (getting up) Yeah sure. (as he leaves, to Paul and the Colins) Now you boys play nice.
Pause. Paul and the Colins just kind of look around.
Paul So you guys almost stole the couch, and then what?
Colin 1 Then they offered us the bookshelf and we came to look at it, then I read from Naked Lunch, then we got high.
Paul Yeah, if you can bond over that book, you probably have a lot of things in common.
Colin 1 Yeah.
Colin 2 Exactly (to Paul) So what do you do?
CUT TO: The kitchen. Ryan is putting dishes in boxes, while Chris is organizing the cutlery.
Ryan If he doesn’t show up in an hour, maybe we should get a taxi, get Paul and Colin and the other guy to help out. That’s one those guy’s names, right? I heard the name Colin being tossed around.
Chris Yeah, that’s right.
Ryan Which one is he? The loudmouth?
Chris Yeah, that’s Colin, but so is the other one.
Ryan What?
Chris They’re both named Colin.
Ryan Both of them?
Chris Yeah.
Ryan Well that’s fucking stupid.
Chris What’s stupid, that you didn’t know, or that they both happen to have the same name?
Ryan The second one! It’s confusing and, you know, kind of selfish. Like it’s their own special club, like they’re doing it to fuck with everybody. I mean, how many roommates or good friends do you know that have the same name?
Chris So it’s a big Colin conspiracy against you.
Ryan They should at least always hang out in bigger groups of people, diffuse the name around kind of thing…
Chris You’re crazy.
Ryan All I’m saying is that one Colin is a bit of a dick, and the other Colin’s a bit less of one.
Chris You’re just saying that because that Colin wanted our couch more.
Ryan See? ‘One Colin’, ‘that Colin’, ‘other Colin’. It’s too damn confusing.
Chris (walking down the hall) Whatever. I gotta go back, I’m being a shitty host.
Ryan (following) And they even look kind of the same! It would be easier if they were different sizes. Tall Colin, short Colin. Fat Colin, thin Colin. Fuck, the word losing all meaning. It doesn’t sound like a name anymore. It sounds like gibberish. As they are going down the hall, Paul comes out of the room and walks down the hall towards them.
Paul Hey, hold up, can I say something to you guys?
Ryan Sure.
Chris What’s up?
Paul You know Lisa’s coming, right? You asked her over?
Ryan Yeah.
Paul She’s bringing Michelle.
Ryan Okay.
Paul You two are…fine?
Ryan Yeah, why wouldn’t we be?
Paul I don’t know. I’m just trying to cover all the bases. (to Ryan, who suddenly looks lost) What?
Ryan Oh, uh… I was just thinking…although it might be the pot talking… do you think we could take the fridge?
Paul and Chris just look at each other. CUT TO: Exterior of the house. CUT TO: The main room, where the Colin’s are putting books in boxes. Colin 1 is examining each one and flipping through them. There is a loud crash from down the hall.
Colin 2 (calling down the hall) You guys, uh, need any help?
CUT TO: The kitchen, where Paul, Chris, and Ryan have been trying to move the fridge.
Chris (yelling down hall) No, it’s all right! No problem here! (to Paul and Ryan) We’ve got a big problem.
Ryan Well now we know we can’t move it.
Chris I think it’s damaged.
Ryan Nah, a wheel’s just bent. As long as no one else is stupid enough to move it, I don’t think we have a problem. (checks watch) I’m going to take apart my bed.
Chris You just need to take a break for a moment. You’re like a Tasmanian devil.
Ryan (going down the hall) I want us to be as ready as possible for when dumbass finally shows up. (poking head into main room) All set in here?
Colin 2 (off screen) You tell us.
Ryan Looks good.
Ryan heads upstairs. Chris and Paul, who have watched all this, look at each other.
Paul He seems to be taking it well.
Chris Taking what well?
Paul Michelle.
Chris Oh that. I don’t think that was really anything.
Paul Yeah?
Chris He hasn’t really mentioned anything about it.
Paul Well that doesn’t mean anything.
Chris No, I guess not.
Paul You don’t seem to be thinking much about it.
Chris I haven’t been. (pause) Should I be?
Paul Michelle was just acting…strange last night, that’s all.
Chris That might just be Michelle.
Paul Yeah, I guess. (pause) How about you? What’s up?
Chris (with a smile) Nothing worth reporting. (laughing) Oh, nothing worth reporting.
Paul What?
CUT TO: The Colin’s in the main room.
Colin 1 What time is it?
Colin 2 You’ve got a phone.
Colin 1 And you’ve got a watch. It’s easier to check.
Colin 2 (checking watch) Yeah, for you. I don’t care what time it is now. (looks at watch) Aw, Jesus!
We hear noises from downstairs.
Colin 1 What’s that?
Colin 2 Maybe it’s the guy with the van.
Colin 1 Maybe it’s… right, I don’t live here. I don’t know who else it could be.
Colin 2 rolls his eyes.
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"rich people are just poor people with money." - Orwell | |||