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Moving Day

 

CREDITS

FADE IN: Exterior shot of a semi-detached townhouse (not run down but not extravagant). CUT TO: Interior of house, the living room. Ryan is staring at his watch.

 

Ryan

And he is officiallyÖlate.

 

Chris is in one corner of the room, unhooking the TV and DVD player.

 

Chris

Itíll just give us more time to get stuff ready.

 

Ryan

He went out last night, right?

 

Chris

Yeah.

 

Ryan

If he crashed his van, or drove it off a bridgeÖ

 

Chris

We wouldíve heard it on the news.

 

Ryan

Oh, come on. They donít report every drunk driving crash, only the ones were someone got mowed down. All we know is that he didnít kill anybody last night. At least not by running them over. (pause) I should call him again.

 

Chris

You already left two messages. Heís obviously not near his phone. Calm down and have a cigarette.

 

Ryan

Maybe Iíll roll a joint.

 

Chris

Oh, no. Not until we have more shit all ready to go. Iím not carrying a futon down a flight of stairs stoned out of my mind.

 

Ryan

You donít have to smoke it.

 

Chris

I donít have to smoke it? A joint rolled in my own house and I donít have to smoke it? Come on, look who youíre talking to.

 

Ryan

Then we should start moving some things to the curb right now.

 

Chris

And what, wait outside with it? Itís freezing out.

 

Ryan

Then weíll just move a couch. No oneís gonna take a couch from the side of the road.

 

Chris

Thatís how we got this couch.

 

Ryan

Yeah, but someone was tossing it out. Weíll keep an eye on it out the window.

 

Chris

A couch check every fifteen minutes.

 

Ryan

Exactly.

 

Chris

I think weíll end up forgetting about it.

 

Ryan

I wonít.

 

Chris (going to grab one end of the couch)

Okay, then youíre in charge of watching the couch. You take full responsibility if it goes missing.

 

Ryan (grabbing other end)

Done.

 

CUT TO: Exterior of house. The couch is outside. CUT TO: Chris in the bathroom, gathering toiletries. He spies something strange and examines it. He walks down the hall to the living room. Ryan is there.

 

Ryan

Where the fuck is he?

 

Chris (looking at bottle)

Is this your jar of gold bond?

 

Ryan

I thought it was yours.

 

Chris

Itís not. I think itís been in the medicine cabinet since we moved in.

 

Ryan

Well it has to have been, right? I donít think anybody weíve had over would leave some gold- oh wait.

 

Chris

What?

 

Ryan

Never mind.

 

Chris

Aw, come on. What is it? Do you remember whose it is?

 

Ryan

Itís not worth discussing. Itís below both of us.

 

Chris

Did you nail a chick with itchy feet? Donít be embarrassed. You can tell me.

 

Ryan

You can use it other places.

 

Chris

Really? Oh. (thinks about it, grimaces) Oh. Yeah, youíre right, I donít wanna know.

 

Ryan

More importantly, where is our so called- (looking out the window) Oh, shit! (runs out the room)

 

Chris

What?

 

Ryan

Someoneís taking the couch! (goes down the stairs)

 

Chris

Fuck! I told you! (Chris follows Ryan)

 

CUT TO: Outside the house. Two people are examining the couch. Ryan bursts out of the house without a jacket, Chris follows behind, struggling to put his jacket on.

 

Ryan

Hey! What the hell are you doing? Thatís our couch!

 

Colin 1

What do you mean? Itís on side of the road!

 

Colin 2

Sidewalk, actually. Public space.

 

Ryan

Weíre moving today! Weíre just keeping it outside until the van comes! (to Chris) Weíre moving, right?

 

Chris

Thatís the plan.

 

The strangers look at each other.

 

Chris 1

Bullshit.

 

Ryan

What do you mean, Ďbullshití? Itís in front of the house I just walked out of!

 

Colin 1

That doesnít make it yours.

 

Ryan and Colin 1 (to Chris/Colin 2, at the same time)

Come on, back me up on this.

 

Chris

I told you something like this was gonna happen.

 

Ryan

You call that backing me up? (to the two of them) Look, guys, Iím sorry, itís our couch. I mean, I wouldnít be totally pissed if you took it right under our noses because it would be our fault for not seeing you take it. But we caught you, so itís still ours. Thatís just common sense.

 

Chris

Do you want a bookshelf instead?

 

Ryan

Chris, shut up for a minute.

 

Colin 2

What colourís the bookshelf?

 

Chris

White.

 

Ryan

Chris, shut the fuck up!

 

Chris

Iím bargaining, dickhead! Iím trying to get our couch back!

 

Ryan

We donít have to try and get our couch back! We never fucking lost it!

 

Colin 1

Jesus, no wonder you guys canít live with each other anymore.

 

Chris

No, weíre still gonna live together. This is justÖtalking.

 

Pause.

 

Colin 1

Fine. Keep the couch. (to Colin 2) Do we need a bookshelf?

 

Colin 2

I dunno. (to Chris) Whatís the bookshelf look like?

 

Chris

Itís a regular white Ikea bookshelf. Come on up and check it out.

 

Colin 1 and 2 think about this.

 

Colin

Yeah, all right.

 

They start to follow Chris inside, while Ryan lags behind.

 

Ryan

I think weíre gonna have to chain that bastard up.

 

Colin 2

Good idea.

 

They all go upstairs into the living room. Ryan goes right to closet and begins to look for a chain.

 

Colin 2

Hey, nice place.

 

Chris

Thanks.

 

Colin 1

Yeah, why the hell are you moving out of here?

 

Chris

Itís too far to travel for work. We found something more central. (gesturing) And thereís the bookshelf.

 

Colin 2

Well thatís a white bookshelf if I ever saw one.

 

Colin 1 (inspecting books as well)

Hey cool, ĎNaked Lunchí! (examining book) I donít have this version.

 

Ryan

Disco! (emerges from closet with a lengthy heavy chain) Perfect. (he drapes them around his neck)

 

Chris
I pity the fool who tries to steal my couch.

 

Colin 2

Isnít it fucked up that people still remember that guy? He was around doing that, like, twenty years ago.

 

Ryan

Mr. Tís gonna live forever. (exiting room) Back in a sec.

 

Colin 1

[reads obscene excerpt from Naked Lunch] Cool. DisgustingÖ but cool.

 

Chris

 Hey, you guys wanna sit down, smoke a joint?

 

Colin 2

I thought you said you were moving out today.

 

Chris

Yeah, weíre fucking trying to! Our friend who has the van still hasnít shown up. I was gonna wait until later before taking a toke, but this is getting ridiculous.

 

Colin 1

Bummer.

 

Colin 2

Huge bummer.

 

Chris

People still say Ďbummerí, huh?

 

Colin 2

Only cool people.

 

Chris (taking joint out of a cigarette holder)

Only cool peopleÖwell, itís a pleasure to meet a couple of them.

 

Colin 1

Already rolled. Youíre all prepared.

 

Chris

We had a rolling party last week. Kind of a farewell thing.

 

Colin 2

Rolling party? Is that what it sounds like?

 

Chris (lighting joint)

Exactly. Itís how I learned to roll good one.

 

Ryan (entering)

Whatís going on here?! I leave you alone for one minute and I come back and find you consuming narcotics with some people off the street!

 

Colin 1

Cool people.

 

Chris (to Ryan)

Sorry, Dad. (hands him joint) Take a hit.

 

Ryan

Thanks, son. I just talked to Paul. Heís on his way here.

 

Chris

E.T.A.?

 

Ryan

Under five minutes.

 

Chris

Cool.

 

Ryan (passing joint to the Colinís)

Thatís all I want for now. So what do you guys do?

 

The two look at each other.

 

Colin 2

Nothing.

 

Colin 1

This.

 

Colin 2

Iíve been known to show up at a college class sometimes.

 

Colin 1

I try to steal couches. (pause) Other than that, nothing worth reporting.

 

Colin 2

You guys said you worked. What do you do?

 

Chris

Nothing worth reporting.

 

Ryan

Thatíll be the tagline for today.

 

Chris

ĎAny news on Jake?í

 

Ryan

ĎNothing worth reporting.í

 

We hear a door being opened and closed downstairs.

 

Ryan

Thatís Paul.

 

Colin 1

Sounds more like a door.

Dumb chuckling from all.

 

Chris

How long will Paul stick around?

 

Ryan (going down the hall)

Didnít say. I donít think heís got anything else to do today.

 

Colin 1

Well, uh, if you guys need any help we donít mind lending a hand, but after, uhÖ thisÖ I donít know how much we could do.

 

Colin 2

Yeah, anything other than putting books in a box might beÖhard to doÖ

 

Chris

Understood.

 

Paul (opening apartment door and entering main room)

Man, I keep forgetting how nice this place is. (sniffs) Smells like a party in here. (notices the Colins) Whereís Jake?

 

Chris

Can you believe it, the asshole hasnít shown up yet.

 

Paul

Have you called him?

 

Chris

Heís not picking up his phone! I talked to Lisa, though. She says he partied hard last night.

 

Paul

Guess youíll have to move tomorrow.

 

Paul

Donít jinx it, itís still onlyÖ(checks watch) Motherfuck. (realizes he hasnít introduced Paul to the Colins) Oh, sorry. Guys, this is my friend Paul, heís here to help out-

 

Paul

Hey.

 

Colin 1

Hey.

 

Colin 2

Nice to metcha.

 

Chris

And Paul this isÖ Iím sorry, I just realized I donít know either of your names.

 

Colin 1

Iím Colin.

 

Colin 2

So am I.

 

Chris

Youíre both named Colin?

 

Colin 1

Right.

 

Chris

Really?

 

Colin 2

Yeah.

 

Paul

Well that makes it easy to remember. Iím guessing you guys just met.

 

Colin 1

Yeah, we were trying to steal their couch.

 

Paul

The one chained up outside.

 

Colin 2

Right.

 

Ryan (entering)

Hey, Paul.

 

Paul

Hey, Ryan, howís it going? Chris told me that Jake is AWOL.

 

Ryan

Yeah, I know, Iím just trying to get kitchen packed up so weíll be ready for him when he finally shows up.

 

Colin 2

If he shows up.

 

Ryan

Donít fucking jinx it, man! (to Chris) Can I talk to you in kitchen?

 

Chris (getting up)

Yeah sure. (as he leaves, to Paul and the Colins) Now you boys play nice.

 

Pause. Paul and the Colins just kind of look around.

 

Paul

So you guys almost stole the couch, and then what?

 

Colin 1

Then they offered us the bookshelf and we came to look at it, then I read from Naked Lunch, then we got high.

 

Paul

Yeah, if you can bond over that book, you probably have a lot of things in common.

 

Colin 1

Yeah.

 

Colin 2

Exactly (to Paul) So what do you do?

 

CUT TO: The kitchen. Ryan is putting dishes in boxes, while Chris is organizing the cutlery.

 

Ryan

If he doesnít show up in an hour, maybe we should get a taxi, get Paul and Colin and the other guy to help out. Thatís one those guyís names, right? I heard the name Colin being tossed around.

 

Chris

Yeah, thatís right.

 

Ryan

Which one is he? The loudmouth?

 

Chris

Yeah, thatís Colin, but so is the other one.

 

Ryan

What?

 

Chris

Theyíre both named Colin.

 

Ryan

Both of them?

 

Chris

Yeah.

 

Ryan

Well thatís fucking stupid.

 

Chris

Whatís stupid, that you didnít know, or that they both happen to have the same name?

 

Ryan

The second one! Itís confusing and, you know, kind of selfish. Like itís their own special club, like theyíre doing it to fuck with everybody. I mean, how many roommates or good friends do you know that have the same name?

 

Chris

So itís a big Colin conspiracy against you.

 

Ryan

They should at least always hang out in bigger groups of people, diffuse the name around kind of thingÖ

 

Chris

Youíre crazy.

 

Ryan

All Iím saying is that one Colin is a bit of a dick, and the other Colinís a bit less of one.

 

Chris

Youíre just saying that because that Colin wanted our couch more.

 

Ryan

See? ĎOne Coliní, Ďthat Coliní, Ďother Coliní. Itís too damn confusing.

 

Chris (walking down the hall)

Whatever. I gotta go back, Iím being a shitty host.

 

Ryan (following)

And they even look kind of the same! It would be easier if they were different sizes. Tall Colin, short Colin. Fat Colin, thin Colin. Fuck, the word losing all meaning. It doesnít sound like a name anymore. It sounds like gibberish.

As they are going down the hall, Paul comes out of the room and walks down the hall towards them.

 

Paul

Hey, hold up, can I say something to you guys?

 

Ryan

Sure.

 

Chris

Whatís up?

 

Paul

You know Lisaís coming, right? You asked her over?

 

Ryan

Yeah.

 

Paul

Sheís bringing Michelle.

 

Ryan

Okay.

 

Paul

You two areÖfine?

 

Ryan

Yeah, why wouldnít we be?

 

Paul

I donít know. Iím just trying to cover all the bases. (to Ryan, who suddenly looks lost) What?

 

Ryan

Oh, uhÖ I was just thinkingÖalthough it might be the pot talkingÖ do you think we could take the fridge?

 

Paul and Chris just look at each other. CUT TO: Exterior of the house. CUT TO: The main room, where the Colinís are putting books in boxes. Colin 1 is examining each one and flipping through them. There is a loud crash from down the hall.

 

Colin 2 (calling down the hall)

You guys, uh, need any help?

 

CUT TO: The kitchen, where Paul, Chris, and Ryan have been trying to move the fridge.

 

Chris

(yelling down hall) No, itís all right! No problem here! (to Paul and Ryan) Weíve got a big problem.

 

Ryan

Well now we know we canít move it.

 

Chris

I think itís damaged.

 

Ryan

Nah, a wheelís just bent. As long as no one else is stupid enough to move it, I donít think we have a problem. (checks watch) Iím going to take apart my bed.

 

Chris

You just need to take a break for a moment. Youíre like a Tasmanian devil.

 

Ryan (going down the hall)

I want us to be as ready as possible for when dumbass finally shows up. (poking head into main room) All set in here?

 

Colin 2 (off screen)

You tell us.

 

Ryan

Looks good.

 

Ryan heads upstairs. Chris and Paul, who have watched all this, look at each other.

 

Paul

He seems to be taking it well.

 

Chris

Taking what well?

 

Paul

Michelle.

 

Chris

Oh that. I donít think that was really anything.

 

Paul

Yeah?

 

Chris

He hasnít really mentioned anything about it.

 

Paul

Well that doesnít mean anything.

 

Chris

No, I guess not.

 

Paul

You donít seem to be thinking much about it.

 

Chris

I havenít been. (pause) Should I be?

 

Paul

Michelle was just actingÖstrange last night, thatís all.

 

Chris

That might just be Michelle.

 

Paul

Yeah, I guess. (pause) How about you? Whatís up?

 

Chris (with a smile)

Nothing worth reporting. (laughing) Oh, nothing worth reporting.

 

Paul

What?

 

CUT TO: The Colinís in the main room.

 

Colin 1

What time is it?

 

Colin 2

Youíve got a phone.

 

Colin 1

And youíve got a watch. Itís easier to check.

 

Colin 2 (checking watch)

Yeah, for you. I donít care what time it is now. (looks at watch) Aw, Jesus!

 

We hear noises from downstairs.

 

Colin 1

Whatís that?

 

Colin 2

Maybe itís the guy with the van.

 

Colin 1

Maybe itísÖ right, I donít live here. I donít know who else it could be.

 

Colin 2 rolls his eyes.

 

"rich people are just poor people with money." - Orwell