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Larry's Wad It's like infrequent random blog, written on a half pint of tequila...
July 24 - Anatomy of a Night Out I’m very proud of myself for using the word ‘anatomy’ in the title of this article, since I am not a science student. All I really know about chemistry is acids and basics. But fortunately, the following spiel has little to do with science. In fact the following isn’t really on specific night in mine or anyone’s university stay so far. It’s really just a stereotypical dissection (another science word) that I’m sure many of us can possibly relate to:
6:00pm – Eating dinner with friends at your dining hall. Discuss what to do this evening. The people who say they have to stay in and work on labs or essays are mocked then forced to sit at another table. Everyone brings up suggestions and criticisms, but nothing is determined. 7:00pm - Grab a textbook for your political science course because you are three chapters behind. Be very pleased with yourself for getting caught up this evening AND being able to go out tonight. Go to study room. 7:10pm - Abandon textbook to talk to attractive member of the opposite sex (or same, if you swing that way) beside you. 7:20pm - They leave to go watch TV. You go back to the book. 7:22pm - Try to force inappropriate thoughts of that particular member of the opposite sex (or same, if you swing that way) out of your head. 8:00pm – Wander back to your room. Check e-mail. 8:06pm - Check e-mail again. Just in case. 8:13pm - Hang out in friend’s room for no reason. Talk more about where to go tonight, and criticize what everyone except you suggested at the dining hall. 8:45pm - You realize that you have no alcohol and the nearby liquor store closes soon. You brave the elements and run. Choice between at 40 oz. Old English, and a 12 pack of Budweiser. 8:47pm - Choose with your wallet. Run back to rez with ‘Old E’. Get halfway. Stop. Think. Run back to liquor store and buy a second ‘Old E’. 9:00pm - Begin drinking in another friend’s room where about half a dozen other people are doing the same thing. Music is playing. Some people are playing guitars. Some people are playing video games. 9:29pm - You just finished two thirds of your first bottle. Everyone is enjoying themselves. Talk of not going out all and just chilling here begins. 9:44pm - Some girls come in, expressing their desire to go out. 9:45pm - Everyone in the room suddenly agrees to go out. The leaving time is set for half past ten. 10:03pm - As people are bouncing around from room to room, drinking up and getting ready, the question of where to go resurfaces. One idiot suggests deciding on the way. 10:11pm – You realize you only have nineteen minutes to finish your booze… plus the screwdriver mix one girl made, didn’t want to finish, and gave to you. Begin to chug while playing whatever Grand Theft Auto version is available. 10:17pm - A girl wrapped in towel enters the room. Scolds all the males for not being ready. Leaves. 10:18pm - All males exit the room to get ready. 10:21pm - All males back in that same friend’s room having simply put on nicer shoes and shirts with buttons. And maybe some of the players put shit in their hair. 10:24pm- You finish your booze, feeling very proud. Promise yourself that when you sober up around two, you’ll finish those three chapters. 10:30pm- All males in hall, ready to go. No females in sight. 10:36pm- No sign of females. 10:41pm - One female approaches as a representative of the others. Says the leaving time has changed to eleven o’clock flat. 10:42pm - All males back in that same room, grumbling. One guy still has several bottles of beer left, and finds himself giving them out to pass the time. 10:59pm - Talk of not going out arises again. 11:01pm - One guy grumbles about the girls being late again. He seems to be the only one surprised. 11:04pm - All females enter room, all decked out and ready. Males look at them then are quickly putting on their jackets. 11:05-11:16pm – Everyone’s favorite game: Flag down the taxi. Unwritten rule: Whoever gets the first taxi gets to decide where to go. Everyone else follows. 11:23pm – Get in line. Actually, males get in line. Females go right to the bouncer at the front. 11:26pm – Females in. Males grumble, one suggests ditching the girls. 11:50pm – I.D. check. Everyone without facial hair is shitting their pants. 11:52pm - Inside. Pay cover. One male grumbles about all this not being worth it. 11:57pm – Find girls on the dance floor. All males go find a table. Pitchers of whatever’s on tap are ordered. 12:24am – Some males swallow their pride and go to the dance floor. Not wanting to look insensitive to the females, the rest go, too. 12:26-12:38am – Further proof that male dance should be left to the experts. 12:44am – All males back at the table, proud that they have engaged in such a questionable activity such as dancing. 12:56am – Males bored out of their skulls. Some grumble it’s too loud in this place to bother trying to pick up. 1:02am – One unlucky male is picked to break the news to the females that all males are leaving. All other males leave immediately, knowing that that one unlucky male will be forced to stay with the girls and dance and protect them from all the drunken creeps. 1:22am- Back at rez. Buzz wearing off. Males go to that same room that they were in before, resuming activities like playing music, guitars, Grand Theft Auto/Halo/Half-Life. 1:24am – Group of ‘Not-Quite-Tobacco-Smokers’ enter. They did not go out tonight, but they do have some ‘not-quite-tobacco’. 1:26-1:35am – Engage in social activities in an undisclosed location with ‘Not-Quite-Tobacco-Smokers’ and their ‘Not-Quite-Tobacco-Smoking-Instruments’. 1:42am - Back in that same friends room with both the people that went out and ‘Not-Quite-Tobacco-Smokers’. Feeling good, because you somehow got out paying for the ‘Not-Quite-Tobacco’. You suggest ordering some pizza or Chinese food. No one is interested, but you order anyway. Only when you dial incorrectly for the sixth time do you clue in to being ridiculously chemically altered. Two minute laughing fit. 1:45am – Realizing you have no money on you, you stumble to the closest campus bank machine. 1:46am –Get money. Check bank statement. Too much affected by ‘Not-Quite-Tobacco’ to realize how low it really is. 1:57am – Back in that same room, you casually mention to a friend that god is dead, and that humanity is nothing but a spiraling ball of chaos headed for destruction. 2:14am – Chinese food comes. You eat in the same friend’s room. Feeling guilty for not paying for their services, you offer ‘Not-Quite-Tobacco-Smokers’ the food. 2:16am – ‘Not-Quite-Tobacco-Smokers’ finish 75% of the food. You still aren’t in any condition to care. 2:30am – Females return. They enter the room. They are not upset at males for leaving because they drank plenty of Smirnoff Ice at the bar/club/wherever the hell you went after the males left. 2:32am – You offer the females food. Some take advantage of your kindness, including the one you are thinking of asking out. In your state, you misinterpret her hunger for wanting to have sex with you right now. 2:35am - Somehow find yourself in that girl’s room. Thinking it would be inappropriate to make the first move, you wait for her to take her shirt off. She doesn’t. 2:37-2:58am - Have deep, moving conversation about what you both want out of life. The farthest you get is a hand on her outer thigh. 3:02am – While definitely still in an altered state thanks to the ‘Not-Quite-Tobacco’, you do have the notion of not wanting to overstay your welcome, and excuse yourself with a graceful 'goodnight'. 3:05am - In a different friend’s room. You both agree that neither of you understand women. Talk about God still being dead, what you’re doing that summer, etc. 3:35am - Since he’s your friend, you don’t give a shit about overstaying your welcome, and he kicks you out so he can go to bed. 3:37am - Finally back in your room. Sit down in front of your desk, tired. 3:39am - Check e-mail. 3:45-4:00am- Watch youtube video of some drunk guy falling down a flight of stairs. Five times. 4:05am – Trudge to the bathroom. Brush teeth, etc. 4:13am – Bed. Consider reading those three chapters tomorrow in the five minutes before you do the ten minute presentation on them in class.
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Doctor, doctor! I can't feel my legs! That's because we've had to amputate your arms.
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