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4 POLITICAL SKITS
A
Two politicians in the halls of power (Greer and Gibbs), in a hallway beside an open door that leads to the press conference room. Greer is looking over his papers.
Greer And then I'll say something funny, then I'll talk about the middle east, then I'll introduce you...
Gibbs Good, good.
Greer And then. (notices something on the papers) Oh, damn. God damn it all to hell.
Gibbs What's your problem?
Greer Look at this.
Gibbs What? It looks- (eye pop) Oh shit. How did they not catch that?
Greer It doesn't matter that they didn't.
Gibbs Well then how come your staff didn't?
Greer I'm turning them over. The last batch is in rehab, jail, Cancun, a covers band, and denial.
Gibbs Bad news bears. (calling to another person nearby) Garabaldi, Come over here, check this out.
Garabaldi (coming over) What?
Gibbs Greer crossed the lobbyist streams.
Garabaldi What? How?
Gibbs He got donations from a financial reform group and a financial 'reform' group.
Garabaldi Oh damn. You need a staff to catch those quotation mark lobbyists.
Greer I'm turning them over.
Garabaldi Check your arm.
Greer What?
Garabaldi Roll up your sleeves. You're going to want to keep an eye on it for about an hour or so, when it starts to itch.
Greer (rolling up his sleeve) Itch?
Garabaldi Yeah, look at that. Green.
Greer Green? Isn't that a little on the nose?
Gibbs (noticing someone else) Godfrey! Hey, Godfrey! (to Garabaldi) Godfrey is a doctor, right?
Garabaldi Well I know he can prescribe-
Greer (as Godfrey comes up) Do we have to tell everyone about this?
Gibbs You're a doctor, right Godfrey?
Godfrey I got a PhD in political science.
Gibbs Close enough. Come check out Greer’s forearm.
Godfrey (inspecting) Green rash. You don't have much time. Soon you will have an insatiable desire to listen to ambient music and quote Chomsky.
Greer (grimacing) Cut my arms off. Who has scissors from their last ribbon cutting?
Godfrey You've got to forsake one of them.
Gibbs But he already took the donations.
Greer (muttering) Well, the Vegas weekend and the bottle service...woman. And the car. And the new bathroom.
Garabaldi Yeah? Who you'd get for that? Tuscan Dreams?
Greer (looking over his papers, muttering) Asian Delights.
Godfrey Are we still talking about reno companies or are we back to on escorts?
Gibbs I thought Tuscan Dreams was when you pour a bottle of red wine over your body and get a piece of mozzarella-
Godfrey That's a Tuscan Honeymoon.
Greer I'm going to try it.
Godfrey What? Without the cheese?
Greer I'll say good and bad things about both.
Garabaldi Wait, a nuanced position?
Greer No, no, no. Just the usual blather, but...both.
Gibbs You're going to speak for twenty four hours?
Greer No, I'm going to-
Godfrey You need to give to a day buffer for issues.
Garabaldi The buffer is all.
Gibbs All hail the buffer.
Greer I'm respecting the buffer.
Garabaldi It doesn't sound at all like you're respecting the buffer.
Gibbs The lobby lobby will jump all over you.
Greer We can handle the lobby lobby.
Godfrey Woah, woah.
Gibbs Hold on there.
Garabaldi What did you say? Did you say 'we' can handle lobby lobby?
Godfrey Keep us out of it.
Gibbs All hail the lobby lobby.
Garabaldi I did a mound of blow in a box at BFK stadium with the lobby lobby.
Godfrey Me and the lobby lobby are more than just good friends.
Greer Okay, look, I got nothing but love for the lobby lobby. (checking watch) But I've already cancelled the last two press conferences to have drinks, I have to show up for this one.
Godfrey (calling to everyone around) Hey, everybody! Greer is going to support and criticize a position in the same sentence!
Greer Wish me luck.
No one says anything.
Greer You still want me to introduce you, Gibbs?
Gibbs shakes his head with a face full of terror. Greer sighs and steps into the room. The three others crowd around the doorway entrance but don't go inside. They listen to the muffled speech of Greer's for several minutes.
Garabaldi That's it?
Godfrey I guess.
Gibbs Well that was a bit underwhelming.
Garabaldi I was hoping his head would explode.
Godfrey Like from his own brain not being able to handle it, or some guy sniping him?
Garabaldi Either or.
Gibbs I figured they had the power to make your head explode telepathically. Like in that movie?
Godfrey Oceans 11?
Gibbs No! Well, maybe the original. I didn't see that one.
Garabaldi So what, do we wait for him to have a suspicious heart attack tonight?
B
A politician (Pol) in a sharp suit is out on a street corner with fliers. A white guy in a golf shirt and jeans walks by.
Pol Hey asshole, vote for me.
White Guy What? What did you call me?
Pol Asshole. (looks down at clipboard in front of him) According to these statistics - and your appearance - you're probably an asshole.
White Guy What the hell are you talking about?
Pol Well first off you're an able-bodied white male aged between eighteen and thirty five, which means even if you've had hardship in your life, it's was pretty light compared to any other demographic. And that means there's a general insensitivity to the difficulties of others, as well as an expectancy for things to simply be handed to you with minimal effort.
White Guy So that makes me an asshole?
Pol Statistically, yes. Plus your fashion sense was a clue.
White Guy Well calling me out as an asshole is a pretty shit way to get me to vote for you.
Pol Actually, my platform will really give a leg up for assholes like you. Tax breaks for when you inevitably get rich. Crime bills to keep people who don't look like you behind bars, slightly unfair legislation towards woman so they can't compete with you in the workplace. I have everything you want.
White Guy (walking away, disgusted) Dude.
Pol Yes, exactly! Vote dude!
A woman walks by.
Pol Vote for me, you cunt.
Woman What did you say?
Pol Sorry, I was just tired of always saying 'bitch'.
Woman Well I'm definitely voting for your opponent.
Pol Really, do you know where he stands on bitch-related issues?
Woman What does it matter when you call me such terrible things?
Pol It made you stop walking and look at me, didn't it?
Woman Yes, but...do you think I'm still going to vote for you now?
Pol Possibly.
Woman Even though you say terrible things.
Pol For attention. And then pass sensible policy. It's the reverse of most politicians, who tell you what you want to hear, and then do whatever they want when elected.
Woman And you aren't worried that your first impression as a jerk is going to make people not vote for you.
Pol Not voting for me says you care more about your momentarily hurt feelings than the good of society.
Woman Now you're guilt tripping me?
Pol The public needs a good guilt trip every few years. Almost always during election time.
Woman (slowly walking away) Well...your frank cynicism is refreshing... and a bit depressing.
Pol (calling after her) Very astute, bitch. Don't forget to vote.
Another man walks by.
Pol Hey queer, remember me on election day.
Another Guy Excuse me?
Pol I said-
Another Guy I heard what you said. If there were less people like you, the world would be a much better place.
Pol Probably. But only people like me are willing to yell and talk to passersby like this.
Another Guy (walking away) And what does that say about you?
Pol (calling after him) I'm more concerned about what it says about our political processes!
He turns around and is facing a large, stern-looking black man, appearing as if he'd heard the Pol's every word up until now.
Black Man Got anything to say to me?
Pol No, we just de-register you and don't mail you any information. Much safer.
Black Man And what happens if I decided to run against you in this election.
Pol Oh, you know our broken bureaucracy. Crazy amount of paperwork, shifting deadlines, always losing important documents, just a headache really. I wouldn't bother. Save your-
A large flying saucer suddenly appears in the sky, descending quickly.
Black Man What-
Pol Oh shit.
The ship lands right on the street corner in front of Pol. A panel of the ship recedes and reveals itself to be a door. After a hiss of smoke, five beings identical in dress and appearance to Pol step out and stride towards Pol. The one in front (Pol #2) is clearly the leader.
Pol #2 Submit.
Pol Never.
Pol #2 You have no authorization to campaign on this planet.
Pol I tendered my resignation from the guild.
Pol #2 We have not received any correspondence at this time. Submit.
Pol I shall not.
Pol #2 Then we duel.
Pol and Pol 2 begin to stretch, and stare at each other with menace and intensity. They each take deep breaths in, then suddenly stand up straight and begin talking as if people around are listening to them.
Pol I appreciate your concern, Senator.
Pol #2 Let me finish, sir! Let me finish sir.
Pol I appreciate your concern, Senator.
Pol #2 You can't fix bureaucracy with more bureaucracy.
Pol The future is bright, our best years are ahead of us.
Pol #2 You can't fix bureaucracy with more bureaucracy.
Pol The future is bright, our best years are ahead of us.
C
A politician (Sheldon) is walking through the government buildings alongside a reporter and his assistant.
Sheldon Look, I respect them, but it doesn't mean I have to interact with them.
Reporter And the ones that dress like they're still sixteen?
Sheldon Well who needs that? That's just inviting a world of trouble.
Reporter Well maybe if you making a good impression on them early, then years down the road they'll be more willing-
Sheldon Oh, who has time to be thinking of the future? The real future, I mean. Not like where I'll be going for dinner.
He stops, and so does the reporter and his assistant.
Shledon (to assistant) Does Flute still serve those scotch eggs I like?
Assistant They never did. You demanded they make them for you at the party for your ex-wife's funeral.
Sheldon (continues walking) And they nailed the batter. It's amazing what you can do in that last stage of grief.
Reporter The chef knew your ex-wife?
Sheldon Everyone knew my ex-wife! High five!
Reporter awkwardly puts their hand up, and politician take an open-palmed swipe at it.
Citizen (off screen) Mr. Sheldon!
Sheldon Oh shit.
Reporter What?
Sheldon Do you hear that shrill, desperate and naive voice?
Assistant (to reporter) Representative Sheldon can recognize the voice of a constituent from one hundred yards away.
They look ahead and see that in front of his office are four people.
Sheldon Oh shit, let's make this as quick as possible.
The three of them continue walking towards Sheldon's office.
Citizen #2 Mr. Sheldon! We have five thousand signatures-
Assistant Mr. Sheldon is not interested in numbers at this time.
Citizen There are three hundred people who have lost their jobs-
Citizen #3 We need to do better at keeping industry-
Sheldon (holding his hands in front of his face) Ah! stay away from me!
Citizen #2 I just want you to know that I strongly disagree-
Sheldon Well that's just something you have to take in a wonderful democracy like ours.
Citizen But I don't think our democracy is working like it should.
Sheldon And that's why I'm here, now if you just let me assistant gingerly push you out of the way...
Politician slips into his office along with the reporter and quickly closes it behind him.
Sheldon Oh god. I need to burn this jacket.
Reporter You aren't big on meeting-
Sheldon Did you hear that last one? It almost told me what they thought about something. (shudders)
Reporter We lost your assistant.
Sheldon Don't worry, he's as slippery as an eel. He'll probably come in the through the window in about thirty seconds.
Instead Hooper someone opens and steps out of a side door in the office, even though it looks to be some sort of closet.
Sheldon Remember that old woman in the Italian restaurant, Hooper? What did I say she looked like?
Assistant A melted witch, sir.
Sheldon Good job, Hooper. (to reporter) Did I not properly introduce you two? This is Hooper. He's my lickspittle.
Assistant Aloha.
Reporter Hello. So how often do you meet your electorate?
Sheldon Well that assault outside will do me for a good three months.
Reporter Do you think that being here in the capital for too long has kind of compromised your initial goals of getting into politics?
Sheldon Well it depends why you got into politics in the first place.
Reporter And what's your reason?
Sheldon Well I'll tell ya. It's not the cognac, it's not the snifter, it's not even the geisha girl delicately handing it to me without making eye contact. It's all those things mashed together with a delicious whipped topping made up of knowing I can do the exact same thing tomorrow.
Reporter Okay.
Sheldon Because let's be honest. Most people who can move or shake the world would rather just move to a bigger house and shake a vodka martini.
Assistant clears throat.
Sheldon Okay, fine, they'd have someone else shake up the martini.
Reporter So what's the problem?
Sheldon The problem is that I really want that mannequin made out of real human skin.
Reporter I don't understand what you mean.
Sheldon What we need is a great distraction. Nay, the greatest distraction in the history of mankind.
Assistant clears throat.
Sheldon Other than religion, sorry.
Reporter A distraction so you can get a mannequin with real skin?
Sheldon No, no. You don't understand, you didn't listen. I explained this all ready. The option. I want the option of buying a mannequin like that always available to me.
Reporter And you need to distract the public to have that?
Sheldon I know it'll be a lot of work but I'm willing to roll up my sleeves and call a sub-committee hearing commission report about it. I'll get a clear plastic binder and find very useful clipart.
Reporter (to assistant) Is he... listening to himself?
Assistant He can get a bit buzz wordy when talking about this.
Sheldon And they'll be reports upon reports. And I'll wear the navy blue tie at the press conference.
Assistant takes out a balloon from his pocket, blows it up, then pops it. Politician flinches.
Assistant Another war?
Sheldon Nah, there are no good targets in the world anymore.
Assistant What about [REDACTED]?
Sheldon We've got them booked for a rebellion in [REDACTED].
Reporter Really? I better get my holiday in next Spring then. The missus always wanted to see [REDACTED].
Assistant's phone rings.
Assistant Yes? Okay. Right. I'll tell him. Thank you. (hangs up, to Politician) Due to your anti-food bill, you have to attend a town hall meeting back home.
Sheldon Moloch-damnit, I wish that sometimes they'd just go away forever. It's a shame that we can't just... wait. That's it!
Assistant What?
Sheldon That's what we do! A war!
Assistant I thought you-
Sheldon On voters! A war on voters!
Reporter A...PR campaign?
Sheldon No, a military campaign! Picture it. Tanks bursting through the walls of school gymnasiums. Bumper sticker bonfires. Kissing a baby being broken up by drone strikes. Local voting groups being busted up by SWAT teams in neighbourhood coffee shops.
Assistant I'm getting hard already, sir.
Sheldon We can have a brave private throwing himself on an Improvised Ballot Device. (to reporter) What do you think? Can you write a headline to turn the voter against himself?
Assistant And herself?
Sheldon Oh, yeah. they can vote, too.
Reporter Well, your candidness is...refreshing.
Sheldon Yes, my therapist horse tells me it's good to get it all off my chest once a season.
D GENERIC POLITICAL AD TRANSCRIPT BITS
-I was born here, I was raised here, and I'll either die here or in the spa of a five star resort in the South Pacific.
-you might remember me walking towards you confidently in the batch of commercials from the last election
(V.O.)-here's a shot of the candidate nodding to an old man, then nodding to a visible minority, and then nodding to a factory worker, both of them wearing appropriate but not overly embarrassing safety equipment.
-it has come to my attention that there certain digital pictures out there of my business receipts, substance dependency, and penis. It's at times like this that I'd like to remind my constituents that none of us are perfect, and that I'm the one that brought in dozens jobs by turning the Watson Wilderness Area into a toxic waste disposal facility. As well as a new cancer wing to the hospital once the rate of leukemia tripled after the toxic waste disposal factory opened.
-you need a leader with only one face.
-my carefully edited, PR approved record speaks for itself.
-'I'm not like any other politician' is something every politician says. Well I'm not like any other politician, and I mean it.
-Jobs. Freedom. Value. Tradition. These are the words that have both vowels and consonants.
-My opponent will tell you that I voted for terrible policies. But in reality, he (or she, but not damn likely) would vote for the same terrible policies if he were in my expensive shoes, because those shoes were a gift from very influential donors to my campaign.
-pushing through this throng of carefully selected people to give the indication that I am both with and above them, I am now saying something to you with the type of bold confidence you should expect from your barbecue sauce.
-if we don't start doing better now, then when we really have to start doing a lot better a lot faster, it will be too late.
-everyone's going to get rich. Send me $30 and in about ten to fifteen years, you'll be eligible for a massive upper class tax cut.
GENERIC POLITICAL AD FINE PRINT
-candidate approves of the general vibe of this message, but refuse to commit to the gist
-promises not guaranteed
-promises based on results from a focus group session three weeks ago where participants were fed pizza after an hour of responding to predominantly 'yes/no' questions
-as far as the candidate is concerned, a full tank of gas is a basic human right
-candidate has not any sexual relations with any of the women (or, for that matter, men) in this ad, except for their spouse and even then, the bedroom's pretty cold these days, what with all the glad-handing and fundraising. In fact, we wouldn't be surprised if it's actually the spouse getting some action on the side, considering how little time the candidate is spending with their family outside of staged photo opportunities
-pope does not actually support the widening of the Lower East Highway to four lanes in each direction from Hastings Street to Bournemouth Avenue
-economic forecast based on the projection that the rapture will occur in the next eighteen months, effectively lowering unemployment numbers considerably
-bears do not actually jump that high
-most footage of sunrises, sunsets, waves of grain, clean street corners, happy people are green-screened in during post-production
-the dreams of you and your family may differ from the dreams of the entrenched socio-political oligarchy
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