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Teething Again
FADE IN: Black screen.
Chris What are you doing after graduation?
Sam Nothing. You?
Chris Nothing.
Sam Good.
Chris Good.
CUT TO: Graduation day at a large, prestigious university. Students, professors, and parents are milling around the building where the ceremony is held. We first focus on one graduate with his parents.
Jack’s Mom Remember John, no matter what happens, no matter what you do, we’ll always be proud of you.
Jack What if I burn down an orphanage?
Jack’s Dad (with a grin) That’s fine. Just don’t marry a man or become a priest.
CUT TO: Another graduate with his parents, and two younger siblings. The mother is trying to take a picture of her three children.
Chris’s Mom Chris, you’re not smiling.
Chris I am.
Chris’s Mom Well smile more.
Chris Smile more?
Chris’s Dad Think about how you’ll never have to write another exam.
Chris’s Mom Yeah, do that. Smile.
She takes the picture. Chris looks around and spots someone.
Chris Oh, hold on. I’ll be back.
Chris walks off, past some other graduates, and walks up to two students by themselves. They see him coming.
Marlon Ah-hoy-hoy.
Chris Hey. (to Sam) Where are your folks?
Sam Trying to find a parking spot. Taking pictures?
Chris Yeah. Get ‘em over with, I guess. (short pause. To Marlon) Where are your parents?
Marlon At home.
Chris Home?
Marlon Yeah.
Sam How’d you swing that?
Marlon Told them that I wasn’t graduating. That I failed a course.
Sam (gesturing to the diploma in Marlon’s hand) How are you going to explain the sheepskin?
Chris Or the fact that you’ll never try and make up the credit?
Marlon I’ll tell them I’m taking the course over the summer. Maybe they’ll even give me money for it.
Sam You’re evil.
Marlon No, Charles Manson is evil. Darth Vader is evil. I just don’t want to deal with that shit.
Marlon indicates a graduate about fifty feet away who is being subjected to countless photographs with about a dozen pushy relatives.
Chris Yeah, but still…
Marlon Are you gonna be home for dinner?
Chris Probably not. Probably go out with my family.
Marlon I was thinking of ordering Chinese and calling over Clarissa to celebrate.
Sam You’re still seeing your T.A.?
Marlon No, we’re just friends now.
Sam and Chris roll their eyes. Marlon doesn’t say anything. Chris’s parents walk over.
Chris’s Mom (to Chris) Chris, I’d like to take some more pictures. (to Sam and Marlon) Hi, I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Chris’s Mom and this is his father.
Sam Hello.
Marlon Good to meet you.
Chris Oh, Mom, Dad, this is Sam Gill.
Chris’s Mom Hello.
Chris And this is Marlon Dell.
Marlon Hello.
Chris’ Dad Pleased to meet you.
Chris’ Mom (to both Sam and Marlon) Where are you parents?
Sam Mine are trying to find a parking spot.
Marlon And actually, I’ve seceded from my family.
Pause. Chris’ parents (and Chris) are shocked. Sam also looks confused.
Chris’ Mom (confused) I’m… I’m sorry, you-
Marlon I’ve left my family. Actually, everyone has left my family. We don’t have a family. It just wasn’t working for my parents, sister… brother, so we got a lawyer and we went our separate ways.
Chris’ Mom Oh my gosh…
Marlon (reassuringly) No, no, it’s fine. It’s made everything so much easier. I’ve saved hundreds of dollars a year on birthday and Christmas gifts alone.
Chris’s Dad (at a loss) Oh…oh.
Marlon I mean, we still see each other occasionally. At funerals, every so often we’ll get together and update our wills, stuff like that.
Chris’s parents having nothing to say to this. CUT TO: Jack with his parents, they are just walking around the grounds. Jack’s dad is smoking a cigarette.
Jack’s Dad So when are you moving back home?
Jack I’m not.
Jack’s Dad (to Jack’s Mom) Told you. You’re paying for dinner.
Jack’s Mom (to Jack) Not even for a couple months? Just to get back on your feet?
Jack’s Dad Now don’t encourage the boy. I’ve gotten used to strutting around the house in the nude with him gone.
Jack’s Mom (to Jack) He’s just kidding.
Jack Too late. I’m already scarred for life.
CUT TO: Chris and Marlon.
Chris Christ, why’d you have to say that? Of all the possible lies?
Marlon Relax. They’ll never meet my parents.
Chris That’s not the point. The point is they’re going to think I’m living with a psychotic.
Marlon Well you’re already living with Jack.
Chris Exactly. One psychotic’s enough.
Sam returns to them, alone.
Chris You were quick with the parents.
Sam Camera ran out of batteries. Those special camera batteries. They’ve gone to find another pair.
Marlon Shitty.
Chris Just prolonging the inevitable.
Sam shrugs listlessly and looks around bored.
Sam (gesturing to someone) Hey…
It’s Jack. When they see each other, Jack puts his rolled up diploma to his right eye and looks out of it like a telescope.
Jack (pirate voice) Arr! I spy three assholes off the starboard bow!
Chris (nodding) Captain.
Jack (still in pirate voice) Which of you scurvy dogs are gonna swab my mast?
Marlon A rear-end admiral if I ever saw one, Jack.
Jack (lowering diploma) Parents a no-show, Marlon?
Marlon My Dad had a tee-time he didn’t want to lose. And Mom’s his caddy.
Jack So it’s the standard Marlon bullshit, huh?
Chris Hey, so are we done here, or what? We got our diplomas, is there anything else?
Sam Yeah, we’re to be dragged off campus and told not to come back until we pay for more courses.
Pause.
Jack Bar after dinner?
Chris You know it.
CUT TO: A close-up of a full chicken meal on a table. In start-stop live animation, the food quickly disappears as if it is being eaten. The plate is empty in seconds. CUT TO: A trendy, packed bar. Chris, Jack, Sam, and Marlon are sitting at the bar counter, all drinking beer. Some sort of dance music is playing.
Jack This music sucks.
Chris Awful.
Marlon Think we could have one night without any musical criticism? It’s graduation night for christ’s sake.
Jack Well how hard is it to put on ‘Whipping Post’ for the next twenty minutes? (to bartender) Hey, who chooses the music in this place?
Bartender You guys do. At the jukebox.
Chris Hey, don’t blame this shit on us.
Alan (leaning in between Jack and Chris) Well if it isn’t the fab four. (to the bartender) Rye and ginger. (short pause) It’s the end of the line, gentlemen…
Sam Can’t wait to start hitting the temp agencies tomorrow, huh?
Alan I don’t know. I’ll see what the hangover says.
Marlon It’ll say the only thing it ever says, ‘aah! Aah! Aah!’
Jack When you go you should tattoo your fancy new commerce diploma to your forehead. Show ‘em that you mean business. (short pause) Pun intended.
Alan (gets drinks, gives bartender some money) Keep it. (then as if it just dawned on him) Oh yeah, you’re all fancy pants, lah-dee-dah arts students, aren’t you?
Marlon It’s actually called, ‘terminally unemployed’, thank you very much. (drains his beer)
Alan So you’re going to drink yourself to death instead?
Chris Well, Sam’s gonna take a cyanide pill later on in the bathroom.
Sam (with a snort) Yeah, right. Before my student loans are paid off? The bank’ll dig me up and pawn my suit.
Jack What’ll they get for that? Forty dollars?
Sam Yeah. I’ll soil myself in them, just piss ‘em off.
Alan (patting Sam on the back) It’s that kind of eloquent talk that’ll take you to the top, young man. (to all of them) Later, guys. Don’t be strangers.
Chris Yeah, take care, Alan.
Alan leaves. Pause.
Jack Not a bad guy.
Marlon (overtly enthusiastic) I’d fuck him in the butt!
Sam That’s not saying much, Marlon.
Chris Twenty dollars and a smile, that’s all it takes for you, right?
A girl comes to the counter, beside Jack.
Marlon What are you, my pimp?
Chris If you’re offering, I could use a job. I got a really nice hat and cane to use, too.
Jack (to the girl beside) Don’t worry, they’re just kidding.
Girl Yeah, I figured. (to the bartender) A rye and ginger.
Jack Hey! That’s what I’m drinking!
Girl You’re having a beer.
Jack I mean, that’s what I’ll be drinking next.
Marlon (to girl) Don’t worry, he’s harmless. But if you buy him a drink, he’ll follow you home.
Jack Not if it’s far.
CUT TO: The four of them walking down the street late at night, extremely drunk.
Chris So. What’s next?
Marlon I’m going to throw up, then go to bed.
Chris And then?
Marlon Then I’m going to get up in the morning. Throw up again if I have to.
Chris And then?
Jack Are you trying to ask us about the future, Christopher? I mean, don’t beat around the fuckin’ bush, all right? Out with it! In the open! Deal with the motherfucker!
Sam (to Jack) Hey man, you’re smashed.
Jack No, you’re smashed!
Chris Hey, just take it easy.
Jack No, you take it easy!
Sam (teasing) Boy, do I love dick.
Jack Boy, do you ever.
Marlon (sportscaster-like)
Chris I guess that part of Jack’s brain is unaffected by alcohol.
By now they are on a residential street, and begin to walk up the steps of one particular house.
Chris Anybody have keys?
Marlon (coming forward) Yeah, ‘scuse me. (to Chris) This is our house, right?
Chris We’ll find out in a minute.
Marlon tries the key. It opens the door effortlessly.
Jack Success!
The four of them stumble inside. Before the door closes behind them, Marlon bolts back outside and throws up in the porch. The other three watch from the doorway.
Jack Hey, way to go!
Sam Thanks for doing this outside, and not on the kitchen floor.
Marlon (still doubled over) No problem. (short pause) Can someone get me some paper towels?
Jack Aw, come on. Let the sun dry it out. That’s what it’s there for.
Sam The sun or the vomit?
Jack Both. They compliment each other. (to Marlon) Done?
Marlon (standing upright) Yeah. (short pause) Good enough.
They all enter, the door closing behind them.
END OF SAMPLE
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