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f Two Skits About Doctors
Surgery Small Talk About a half dozen surgeons and nurses are in an operating room, standing around the patient, in the middle of the surgery.
Morgan What the hell is that?
Daniels What?
Morgan That.
Daniels What? Beside the gallbladder?
Morgan No, no. Look at where my forceps are. That thing. What's that?
Smirnoff That's the right kidney.
Morgan No, that's the right kidney. What's the thing beside it?
Smirnoff That's still part of the kidney.
Daniels More kidney? What does that even mean?
Smirnoff Could be a duplex kidney. They're rare but they happen.
Daniels You think this guy has four kidneys?
Morgan It doesn't feel like a kidney when I tap on it. And look...there's no second pair beside the left kidney.
Smirnoff Well I've never heard of three kidneys.
Daniels The word is starting to lose all meaning to me. Kidney, kidney, kidney...
Smirnoff Hey, you know the same thing happened with me and my wife. We had been dating a couple months, and she spent the night over at my place, and in the morning we were, you know, getting dressed, but she couldn't find her panties. (stifles a chuckle) And that's exact word she used over and over again. 'I can't find my panties', 'have you seen my panties?', look under the bed for my panties'. (chuckles) See? Even now... even now I can't help but laugh every time I hear the word, because she said it over and over again.
Pause.
Daniels Well I don't know what to add to that.
Morgan Rachel, can you get a picture of whatever this is beside the kidney?
Smirnoff You really think that's worth investigating? It's probably just fat.
Daniels You think everything's fat.
Smirnoff I know your mother's fat, Daniels. Do you know how I know that?
Morgan (to Rachel) Wait, just let me move this to the side...
Daniels Talk to me. Why's my dead mother fat?
Smirnoff Your mother's not dead.
Pause.
Daniels You're really going to try and call me on that?
Morgan (to Rachel) It's still a bit hard to tell its shape in that one. Do you mind taking another? Thanks.
Smirnoff I was at your last birthday party. You introduced me to her personally.
Daniels That was a year and half ago.
Morgan (to Rachel) Okay, now. Try now.
Smirnoff Your mother's died in the last eighteen months?
Daniels Why's that so hard to believe?
Smirnoff Oh god, really? She did? Daniels, my deepest condolences, I had no idea. I didn't- (to Morgan) Did you know his mother died?
Morgan Yes. (to Rachel) That's perfect, Rachel.
Smirnoff And you let me put my foot in my mouth? How could I not know that?
Daniels I think it happened while you were away on vacation.
Smirnoff Jesus I'm so sorry. What happened?
Daniels Heart attack.
Morgan So you're right, then, Smirnoff. She was fat.
Daniels Hey! Woah!
Smirnoff Morgan, what the hell?! Over the line there!
Morgan What? That's over the line? After the stuff you just said?
Smirnoff I was ignorant of the situation at large! You're just being a jerk.
Morgan I'm just riffing...
Daniels And she wasn't even fat!
Smirnoff Well actually that's a matter I was going to let drop, but since you brought it up...
Daniels She was seventy six!
Morgan What does that have to do with anything? You can't be seventy six and fat?
Smirnoff Did you go to the funeral? Was it an open casket? How much do you think she weighed?
Morgan No, I only sent flowers.
Daniels She weighed one hundred and forty six pounds, all right? She was something like five-four, maybe five-five at the time of her death. So yeah, she was overweight, but she wasn't goddamn fat. They didn't have to knock a hole in the wall to get her to the hospital, okay?
Smirnoff Okay
Morgan Fine.
Daniels You know I'm perfectly within my rights to punch the both of you in the stomach when we get out of here.
Smirnoff Woah, hold on.
Morgan No, no, no, no, no. This is just some verbal sparing.
Smirnoff Yeah, if you want to play by the rules, come up with some choices words for us. Only those that can't hack it ball their hands into a fist.
Daniels So now you guys get to make the rules-
Rachel Uh, Doctor Morgan, the time...
Morgan (glancing at clock) Oh, look at that. Better sew this guy up then.
Smirnoff Gal.
Morgan What? Really? Jesus. Apologies all around.
Daniels She gets an apology and I'm left with jokes about my fat dead mother?
Morgan You said she wasn't fat. (to Smirnoff) I'll hold that flap in place while you start the stitching.
Smirnoff No sweat. Hey, you don't think that weird lump near the kidney was malignant or anything?
Morgan I'll study the photographs, have Gordons take a look at them. Maybe we'll do x-ray or ultrasound as a follow up. Recuperation's going to be a couple weeks for this guy, anyway.
Smirnoff Gal.
Morgan I did it again?
Daniels I don't think it's going to be a problem. We should probably have removed it, since it probably’s a lump of fat.
Smirnoff Oh yeah, that's how this whole conversation about your Mom got started. We've brought it around full circle.
Daniels Panties!
Smirnoff (trying to stifle a chortle) Hey, stop it!
Daniels Panties, panties, panties! Frilly, dainty little panties!
Smirnoff (laughing) I...I...you're such a-
Morgan Oh, wait, hold on-
One of the machines begin to beep wildly. The surgeons go into a sort of battle station mode.
Morgan Damn it! Suction! Suction!
Smirnoff Look what you've done! Put some swabs near the cut!
Daniels Why can't you concentrate-
Smirnoff Don't blame this on me! Now you totally deserve a punch in the stomach after we're done for what you just did!
Morgan Keep pressure right there! I'm not going to lose her!
Smirnoff See? Now you remember it's a woman.
Daniels I wonder what kind of underwear she's wearing.
Smirnoff See? Was that so hard?
The beeping of the machine slows.
Morgan Okay...she's stabilizing.
Sighs of relief throughout the room.
Daniels Okay, tonight the beer and pizza's on me.
Smirnoff Were those your mother's dying words?
Pause. Then the entire room erupts in laughter.
END
Diseases
A doctor’s office. Smith enters and goes right to the receptionist.
Smith Hi, I’d like a disease.
Receptionist All right, sir. Lethal or non-lethal?
Smith Um, let’s try a non-lethal to start, and see how it feels.
Receptionist (writing these details down) Excellent, sir. Just take a seat and the doctor will be with you shortly.
Smith Thank you.
He goes and sits down beside another patient.
Smith Hello.
Abrams Hello.
Smith What are you here for, if you don’t mind me asking?
Abrams I’m hoping for a broken leg.
Smith Really? They can do that at doctors’ offices?
Abrams Oh, Dr. Krassner’s office beside the hospital will offer you a fractured wrist for every leg amputation
Smith You don’t say. That’s incredible.
Abrams A friend of mine went in for that. Changed his life, couldn’t be happier. Tended to day and night.
Doctor enters.
Doctor Mr. Smith?
Smith (standing) That’s me. (to person beside him) Oh, wait, weren’t you ahead of me?
Abrams Oh,no, you see I just contracted flesh eating bacteria a couple hours ago, and I’d like it to spread around a bit, get a feel for me, you know…
Smith Oh, of course. Good talking to you.
Abrams Yes, it was (sudden horrid speech impediment) gwayt…oh! Da leff thide uf mah faith jutht thopped worthing…
Doctor (to Abrams) Don’t worry, Mr. Abrams, we’ll get a nurse to ignore that immediately. (to Smith) Come this way, Mr. Smith.
They go into adjacent examination room.
Doctor So you’d like a non-lethal disease?
Smith Yes, doctor. Nothing too grandiose, something that will really make me regret living for just a couple days.
Doctor All right, let’s see what we can do. (takes a tongue depressor, licks all over it) Say ‘aah’ (puts tongue depressor in Smith’s mouth)
Smith Aah.
Doctor Excellent. (throws tongue depressor on the floor. Steps on. Picks it and puts it back in the box with the others) Mind rolling up your sleeve?
Smith Not at all. (begins doing so) I understand diseases are all the rage this year.
Doctor Oh, yes. (sneezes) See the thing is… (takes Smith’s forearm and wipes nose on it)… the attention and pity people get when they are sick puts them in such a higher standing in society… (spits in Smith’s face)…so to feel absolutely awful and lose control of your bowels- (Smith is about to wipe off spit) Ah, don’t wipe that off, best thing to do is just let it dry.
Smith Sorry, doctor.
Doctor (continuing) So to feel awful for a couple weeks is well worth a promotion or paid time off.
Smith Yes, I understand that the head of AT&T recently threw himself down a flight of stairs to become a quadriplegic to improve his company’s third quarter earnings.
Doctor Well I don’t know if I can approve of that. Ideally he would have done it in a clinic like this one, where we would use the proper equipment to force such an injury.
Smith Really?
Doctor Yes, after extensive testing we’ve found that an aluminum baseball bat brought down with a full swing on the third vertebrae is the quickest, most painless method to shatter one’s spine.
Smith Ah. Aluminum bat, you say?
Doctor Some traditionalists of course prefer wooden bats, but I like to remain on the cutting edge. Medicine is becoming a more exact science every day. We’re trying to develop a sound that will cause immediate seizures and cranial bleeding by the end of 2014.
Smith Amazing…
Doctor But I’m going off topic. You’d like a non-lethal disease. How do you feel about contracting leprosy through sexual intercourse?
Smith I wasn’t aware leprosy was transmitted in that fashion.
Doctor Oh, it’s not, but that amount of physical contact just increases your chances of infection. Last thing the medical community wants is you to have sex with a decrepit woman and not get a disease.
Smith Ah. Now would I take her home with me, or-
Doctor No, no. We have an adjacent room for things like this.
Smith All right. Shall I set up an appointment with your receptionist?
Doctor Well just a moment. That might not be necessary. (opens a different door in the examination room just a crack) Alice?
Alice (pleasant voice) Yes?
Doctor (to Smith) One of our finest nurses. (to Alice) Can you -er- perhaps take on another case today?
Alice Yes, I don’t think it should be any problem.
Doctor Good, good. And the boils?
Alice They’re festering.
Doctor Excellent, excellent. (to Smith) Now, if you don’t mind undressing and joining the nurse in the other room.
Smith Not at all. (begins undressing down to his boxer shorts)
Doctor Incidentally, how would you feel about some students of mine watching the procedure? Medical purposes, only of course.
Smith It shouldn’t be a problem.
Doctor Wonderful. I’d suggest you run your hands through what’s left of her hair for maximum exposure.
Smith (going towards the door) I’ll keep that in mind.
Doctor Good, good. (picking up a pool cue from behind the examination table) Now if you’ll excuse me, I must attend to Mr. Abrams.
Smith (going into the room) No problem. Thanks you, doctor.
Smith exits. The doctor is about to exit the usual door, when he sees an empty bottle on his desk. He picks it up by its neck, smashes the end of it, and examines the broken end in his end.
Doctor Yes. This will do perfectly.
Doctor exits. Short pause. We hear the beginning of Smith’s treatment in the other room.
Smith So…uh… do you do this often?
Alice Small talk isn’t coveted by your insurance, I’m afraid.
Smith Oh. (short pause) Say, doesn’t that really itch?
Alice Once you have it for a couple days, you’ll get used to it.
END
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Greed is easy. Charity is hard. | |||