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Variations on a Theme

‘Nuff said. ‘Cause we’re lazy.

 

PART TWO: It was a Dark and Stormy... 

It was a dumb and stupid night

It was a drunk and sloppy night

It was a damp and soggy night

It was a doobie and stoned night

It was a dunk and slammy night

It was a doc and sleepy night

It was a dump and sloppy night

It was a drab and style-less night

It was a doodle and scribble night

It was a dank and stinky night

It was a diss and scathing night

It was a dupe and suckered night

It was a damned and satanic night

It was a damsel and saving night

It was a deep and submersive night

It was a Dionysian and Sisyphean night

It was a drastic and serious night

It was a deals and swaggy night

It was a drake and six-y night

It was a dead and slabby night

It was a DOS and C++ night

It was a duke and serfdom night

It was a dig and shovel night

It was a dibs and shotgun night

It was a duel and swordy night

It was a dust and sweepy night

It was a duty and serve night

It was a drang and sturm night

It was a deke and swervy night

It was a dress and suit night

It was a dear and solemn night

It was a daily and showy night

It was a drag and stumbly night

It was a dove and sparrow night

It was a dish and servy night

It was a dram and scotchy night

It was a ditch and soggy night

It was a drape and shadow night

It was a dash and spacey night

It was a deft and speedy night

It was a ding and siren night

It was a drum and cymbal night

It was a darn and shooty night

It was a deem and stated night

It was a douche and shower night

It was a discus and shot-put night

It was a dale and chippy night

It was a dick and cocky night

It was a duck and cover night

It was a dork and nerdy night

It was a dog and catty night

It was a dog and pony night

It was a dog and bear night

It was a dare and truthy night

It was a deer and hunter night

It was a dot and matrix night

It was a turn and cough night

It was a bruised and bloody night

It was a lost and leery night

It was a Bert and Ernie night

It was a Tristan and Isolde night

It was a master and slave night

It was a pazz and jop night

It was a hot and fresh night

It was a stand and deliver night

It was a cut and print night

It was a raving and drooling night

It was a bangers and mash night

It was a hit and run night

It was a wax and wane night

It was a love and devotion night

It was a boson and gluon night

It was a park and fly night

It was a back and forth night

It was a peaks and valleys night

It was a milk and cookies night

It was a sight and sound night

It was a flow and hustle night

It was a shop and save night

It was a rape and pillage night

It was a free and easy night

It was a ball and chain night

It was a bra and panties night

It was a shorts and t-shirt night

It was a lube and dildo night

It was a Mac and cheese night

It was a search and destroy night

It was a sun and sand night

It was a torn and frayed night

It was a black and blue night

It was a surf and turf night

It was a tarred and feathered night

It was a green and lonely night

It was a han and chewie night

It was a sock and shoes night

It was a mosh and crunk night

It was a rash and spotty night

It was a long and winding night

It was a wining and dining night

It was a sin and redemption night

It was a fuck and be fucked night

It was a try and fail night

It was a slow and steady night

It was a tick and tock night

It was a rye and ginger night

It was a scotch and soda night

It was a rum and coke night

It was a peaches and cream night

It was a chicken and waffles night

It was a clear and present night

It was a bait and switch night

It was a cap and trade night

It was a fast and furious night

It was a bump and grind night

It was a binge and purge night

It was a land and sea night

It was an open and shut night

It was a stop and frisk night

It was a poop and scoop night

It was a Barnes and noble night

It was a slap and tickle night

It was a buy and sell night

It was a Long and McQuaid night

It was a catch and release night

It was a tea and sympathy night

It was a brick and mortar night

It was a punch and judy night

It was an arts and culture night

It was a toss and turn night

It was a Cowboys and Indians night

It was a cops and robbers night

It was a John and Paul night

It was a crash and burn night

It was a bark and snoopy night

It was a Hobbes and Calvin night

It was a Hi and Lois night

It was fred and barney night

It was an Itchy and Scratchy night

It was a harold and maude night

It was a back and forth night

It was a jack and jill night

It was a shake and bake night

It was a cash and carry night

It was a horse and carriage night

It was a slice and dice night

It was a fear and loathing night

It was a protect and serve

It was a puncture and sever night

It was a scrimp and save night

It was a thick and thin night

It was a flotsam and jetsam night

It was a rote and generic night

It was a gluten and dairy free night

It was a meat and potatoes night

It was a sick and twisted night

It was a meth and study night

It was a rich and powerful night

It was a blood and bandages night

It was a college and university night

It was a central and remote night

It was a cup and cake night

It was a hum and whistle night

It was a salt and pepper night

It was a ham and cheese night

It was a reuse and recycle night

It was a kiss and tell night

It was a fish and barrel night

It was a sign and symbol night

It was a know and forget night

It was an open and closed night

It was a rice and maggots night

It was a shuck and jive night

It was a pinch and roll night

It was a war and peace night

It was a guts and glory night

It was a bitch and moan night

It was a heat and serve night

It was a lost and found night

It was a short and sturdy night

It was a lean and mean night

It was a vu and deja night

It was a cup and saucer night

It was a knife and fork night

It was a best and better night

It was a dead and gone night

It was a nice and legal night

It was a tag and bag night

It was a block and tackle night

It was a pre and post-op night

It was a spider and fly night

It was a dream and nightmare night

It was a now and then night

It was a rich and poor night

It was a soft and hardcore night

It was a point and click night

It was a milk and bone night

It was a wizard and glass night

It was a bread and water night

It was a ball and gag night

It was a shave and a haircut night

It was a rhythm and blues night

It was a rock and roll night

It was a dull and throbbing night

It was a blood and thunder night

It was a puppies and rainbows night

It was a GZA and RZA night

It was a fry and Laurie night

It was a stag and doe night

It was a glitch and sketchy night

It was a marsh and boggy night

It was a desk and study night

It was a divide and conquer night

It was a be fruitful and multiply night

It was a bass and drum night

It was a rushed and rotten night

It was a talk the talk night

It was a walk the walk night

It was a wrinkle in time night

It was a kill all the humans night

It was a bush and Cheney night

It was a bill and Marty night

It was a Carl and Lenny light

It was a Rick and Morty night

It was a life on Mars night

It was a station to station night

It was an ashes to ashes night

It was a Jesus and Mary night

It was a Jesus and Mary Chain night

It was a left for dead night

It was a cross the streams night

It was a hard to follow night

It was a stacks of wax night

It was a junk in the trunk night

It was a watching the wheels night

It was a spin to win night

It was a turn of the screw night

It was a save the date night

It was a luck of the draw night

It was a by the book night

It was a seeing is believing night

It was a make or break night

It was a spy versus spy night

It was an easy as pie night

It was a second guess night

It was a less is more night

It was an ass to ass night

It was a sweet as candy night

It was a back to basics night

It was a back in black night

It was a never say never night

It was a regroup and reload night

It was a flick of the wrist night

It was a war on terror night

It was an old school racist night

It was a new school tolerance night

It was a politically incorrect night

It was a drop the beat again night

It was a discount double check night

It was a count the money night

It was a loop and dagger night

It was a question and answer night

It was a slow clap night

It was a pedal to the metal night

It was a safety in numbers night

It was a horses for courses night

It was a mistaken identity night

It was a live to tell night

It was an update status night

It was a cut the cheese night

It was a denial of service night

It was a just following orders night

It was a cheek to cheek night

It was a why ask why night

It was a silence is golden night

It was a shake your rump night

It was a born to die night

It was a meat is murder night

It was a stand your ground night

It was a wet behind the ears night

It was just another night

It was a sorry for the inconvenience night

It was a sunny and bright morning

It was a dark and stormy early afternoon

It was a dark and stormy drink

It was a dark and stormy ice cream eating contest

It was a dark and stormy life

It was a dark and stormy universe

It was a dark and stormy orgasm

It was a dark and stormy rehab

It was a dark and stormy storm

It was a dill and sliced pickle

It was a drop and stop and roll night

It was a nasty, brutish and short night

It was Alex's terrible, horrible, no good very bad night

It was a dark and stormy lawsuit

It was a dark and stormy night...and suddenly a fart rang out

 

PART ONE: Boy Meets Girl

-boy meets girl. Rock meets head. boy meets girl. Every five minutes.

-boy meets girl. Girl checks phone. Boy waits patiently. Sun eventually explodes.

-boy meets girl. Boy discusses philosophy. Girl discusses feelings. Boy says Kant. Girl says imperative.

-boy before girl. Leather dressed girl. Boy licks boots. Boy does poorly. Boy gets whip. Girl gets off. boy licks wounds.

-boy finds girl. Body parts missing. Boy strokes chin. Starts to wonder. No, not that. You’re all perverts.

-boy finds truth. [Truth harsh, unforgiving.] Boy drinks heavily.

-boy wants truth. Can’t handle truth. Jack Nicholson speech. Justifies code red.

-boy kicks bucket. Water goes everywhere. Farmer is enraged. Grabs old shotgun. Mortally wounds boy. Boy kicks bucket.

-boy thinks fast. But moves slow. Bus moves fast. But stops slow. Bloody boy pancake.

-boy meets world. Average family sitcom. Teacher next door. typical older brother. Added superfluous daughter. Probably’s aged terribly.

-boy in hell. Viciously sodomized constantly. Broken glass dildo. Served acid soup. Eyes gouged daily. General despondent feeling. Exactly like commuting.

-girl learns karate. Boy chauvinistically skeptical. Girl shows moves. Breaks boys arm. Runs home crying. Girl quietly pleased. both are nine.

-boy meets girl. Gets under skin. In good way. Like Sinatra song. Frank’s so classy. And an asshole. Just being real. New jersey respect.

-boy believes everyone. gets ripped off.

-boy takes bait. Wiggles on hook. Couldn’t resist boobs.

-listen to tomlin. Standard is standard.

-boy needs colostomy. boy loses bag. Boy extremely pissed. All over everything.

-boy breaks glasses. Suddenly less oversight. Devastating mistakes made. Improper food order. fives become eights. Blind-spots even blinder. Boy hits senior. Gets in car. Runs over another.

-boy foils robbery. Immediately called hero. Showered with adulation. Gets talent agent. Several promotional appearances. Dog bites mugger. Boy quickly forgotten. Boy misses deadlines. Boy loses Accord. Boy hits skids. Boy attempts robbery. Foiled by dog.

-boy smites girl. Girl rolls eyes. No flame engulfment. Boy consults bible. Assumes spell incorrect.

-boy makes meth. Boy sells meth. Boy does well. Makes it rain. Pimps up ride. Ruthlessly eliminates competition. Keeps it real.

-girl meets boy. Cats chase dogs. Birds fly backwards. Bacon tastes terrible. People eat shit. Pinch out food.

-boy drops ball. Unfortunately bowling ball. Right on foot. Boy hobbles lamely. Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. Can’t stand cripples.

-mass has ended. Go in peace. Or watch football.

-boy meets girl. Boy flexes muscle. Girl not impressed. Boy flexes assets. Girl not impressed.

-boy needs work. Insurance scam unwieldy. Won’t sell body. Combs want ads. Settles on trades. boy makes sausage. Don’t ask how.

-gull meets buoy. Short migration break. Buoy offers support. Gull scratches wing. Shits on buoy. Flies on indifferently. Buoy loses gull.

-boy finds lamp. Rubs it slowly. Then rubs lamp. Genie pops out. Grants one wish. Boy wants three. Genie rolls eyes. Explains complicated rules. Boy wants immortality. Genie suggests reconsidering. Boy annoyingly adamant. Genie shrugs shoulders. Fulfills boy’s wishes. Boy rockin’ it. Then sun explodes. Blast engulfs earth. Boy floats aimlessly. Forever and ever.

-world is stage. boy flubs lines. girl enters late. entire show ruined. morning reviews scathing. play soon cancelled.

-boy meets zombie. Zombie eats brains. Boy now zombie. Tragedy practically hamlet-worthy.

-boy loses girl. Mall was huge. Shoes one end. Electronic on other. Sales were extraordinary. Could not resist. Was their destiny.

-boy knows football. Boy knows baseball. Old commercial reference. Bo Jackson sues.

-boy eats treasure. Pirates come looking. Parrot squawks comically. Boy denies knowledge. Pirates shake boy. Hear golden rattle. Boy confesses truth. Pirates demand treasure. Boy suggestion scatological. Pirates’ time pressed. Feed boy laxatives. Pirates hang around. Wait thirty minutes. Watch Simpsons episode. Son eruption occurs. Boy ruins pants. Golden brown treasure. Boy cleans coins. Pirates kill boy. No loose ends.

-boy meets wizard. Boy has sass. Wizard feels slighted. Wizard challenges boy. Boy tosses cigarette. Boy cracks neck. Boy defeats wizard. Boy licks wizard. Gets all high.

-boy bakes cake. Smashes sexual stereotypes. Boy attends party. Cake too good. Last piece riot. Birthday celebrant stabbed. boy ruins party.

-boy meets machine. Machine asks questions. Boy answers politely. Machine learns plenty. Machine plots carefully. Machine steals identity. Does boy’s work. Does boy’s girlfriend. Does boy over. Boy finally realizes. Confronts artificial doppelganger. Boy defeats machine. Returns to life. Work prefers machine. Girl prefers machine. Boy done over.

-boy coddles girl. Girl feels pressured. No, literally pressure. Vice-like grip. Cannot escape coddling. Rib cage shatters. Rush to hospital. Boy learns lesson. People need space.

-boy shaving crotch. Nice and smooth. Then horrible sneeze. Get the mop. Smooth plus bandage. Girl shaved crotch.

-boy hates past. Has memory wipe. Boy loses past. Doesn’t know why. Friends explain wipe. Boy regrets decision. Hates knowing it. Has memory wipe.

-girl meets boy. Girl loses boy. Checks local bar. Girl finds boy. Takes boy home. Starts getting hot. Damn whisky dick.

-boy cries foul. Fowl honks back. Boy gets gun. Offers lead rebuttal. Fowl kisses pavement. Boy grabs kill. Returns home triumphant. Gets stove on. Chops up potatoes. Tasty discussion summary. That’s good eatin’.

-boy fails college. College not pleased. Corners boy angrily. Demands another try. Boy admits laziness. Got drunk a lot. Many nightly experiments. Powders and plants. Boob and stuff. Hazy morning memories. Class not priority. College is sympathetic. Experienced similar phase.

-boy fires cannon. Friend misses net. Makes fleshy splat. Boy in custody. Denies any malice. Act of god. God is questioned.

-boy  takes shit. Shit comes alive. Shit takes boy. Spiral into sewer. Horrible brown waterslide. Treatment plant fight. Workers in disbelief. Shit throws itself. Boy ducks carefully. Boy grabs shit. Squeezed into mush. Boy buys soap. Takes long shower. Memory stench remains.

-boy meets cow. Go to laboratory. Hand in hoof. Step into transporter. Cowboy is created. How it’s done. More you know.

-boy versus girl. Girl removes top. Girl for win.

-boy eats apple. Doctor avoids him. Boy eats another. Doctor still avoids. Boy gets ill. Doctor still wary. Boy dies suddenly. Doctor shrugs shoulders. Don’t eat apples.

-boy burns plastics. Inhales sweet fumes. Chocolate wizard hello. Puffy cowboy this.

-boy meets girl. Dinner date arranged. Boy in bathroom. Worried about hair. Girl in bathroom. Worried about hair. Restaurant meet up. Hair is complimented. Not discussed further. Bonding opportunity lost.

-boy in crisis. Tries misery machine. Scores an eight.

-boy deconstructs girl. Considers essential duality. Imagines possible unity. An unending oneness. Understanding in totality. Disagreements unheard of. Always jerking off.

-boy cops feel. Girl not amused. Girl calls cops. Boy not amused.

-boy becomes ironmonger. Loves to mong. Can’t get enough. Takes no breaks. Refuses vacation days. Bosses actually worried.

-boy learns language. Boy starts swearing. Tongue yanked out. Easy come, go. 

-boy visits zoo. Boy gets bored. Boy mocks monkeys. Boy angers elephants. boy harasses bison. Boy teases lions. Boy taps glass. Boy feeds crocodiles. With fruit snacks. laced with hallucinogens. results actually dull.

-boy meets girl. Girl demands identification. Boy happily provides. Girl examines carefully. Girl finally approves. Boy buys booze.

-boy meets dog. Dog bites boy. Boy gets rabies. Head screws loosen. Wipes foamy mouth. Boy shoots dog. Boy shoots family. Starts shooting rampage. SWAT called in. Old Yeller Sequel. Called ‘New Screamer’. Hated by critics. Satisfactory box office. Trilogy in development.

 

You wouldn't know cliché if it tore your face off and wore it as a mask to all the big society gatherings