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The Very Worst Scam in the World 1. BLACK SCREEN. CAPTION: ‘The Very Worst Scam in the World’
CUT
TO: 2. EXT. Day. A moderately busy street, in a
medium-sized city. CAPTION: ‘Hartford - 1995’ Eric is leaning against a non-descript building.
Squatting beside him is a young man (Phil) in a disheveled old jacket
begging for money (a baseball cap is in front of him). Occasional someone
would toss him some coins. Eric So then my sister finishes her third
glass of wine and starts telling me that I’ll never get anywhere in life
and that’s when Dad tries to change the subject to politics and then
everyone starts yelling because he’s like a borderline fascist who really
gets a kick out of using ethnic slurs whenever he can. Phil Tough spot. (to passerby) Spare
change? Eric Yeah, so he starts ranting about
immigration too loudly and the table next to us starts talking back and
before you knew it we’re being kicked out of the reception before the best
man even starts his speech. Thing is, they haven’t given out those taxi
chit coupons things yet, and we’re all too drunk to drive all the cars we
brought. So ten of us squeeze into my cousin’s mini-van, driven by my
mostly sober mother who’s never gotten behind the wheel of anything bigger
than a Civic. Phil Spare change? (to Eric) Sounds like
a laugh. (to stranger) Spare change? Eric And I’m sitting in the passenger
seat trying to give mom directions with my brother’s wife on my lap
because he’s on the floor of the van writhing around drunk, trying not to
throw up, which is tough ‘cause Mom always over steers left turns. Phil (counting change) Sounds like a fun time for all. I
think I’ve got enough, let’s go. Phil stands up and the two of them walk down the
street - Phil tosses the old jacket into a garbage can on the way – to a
parked car. Phil (putting change in parking
meter) Is your brother’s wife real
purty-like? Eric I plead the fifth. Phil So she’s smoking, then. What time do
you got? Eric (checking watch) Four exactly. Phil Shit, we’d better motor. (walking
briskly down the street towards a park) Did you know nine year olds can
tell time? They called me on being late for practice the last three times. Eric Where’s all your batting equipment
and stuff? Phil I let one of the crappy players
handle it. Makes him feel important. Eric Is that that caring side of you I
never see? Phil Must be. And it was so hard to
choose which player ‘cause so many of them are just awful. Can’t hit,
can’t field, all they can do is chant. They come up to a city park with a small baseball
field. There’s two sets of small bleachers, which are nearly full. Eric There’s Rich in bleachers. (going
towards bleachers) Good luck, coach. Phil (calling after Eric) We need to get out of this rut,
Eric. I can’t take much more of this. Parent from bleachers (to Phil) Hey! Why isn’t my kid batting
cleanup?! Phil (muttering to himself as he
goes to his team) What the hell is cleanup? He approaches the kids. They look at him slightly
unimpressed. Phil Hey team, feel good about today’s
game? Player #1 You’re late. Phil What, no ‘I feel great coach, we’re
gonna finally win a match’ talk? Player #1
But you
are late. Phil No, you’re all early. I said to be
here at four. Player #2 The game started at four. Player #3 It’s the middle of the first inning. Phil looks to the field and sees the game is indeed
in progress. Phil Oh. Shit. (looks to players, then
quickly) I mean, damn…no, darn…darn… Players looks at each other. One mouths ‘dumbass’.
Phil watches the game. There is a close play at first base, and the umpire
calls the player safe. Phil What?! No way! That’s crazy! He was
out! Out by a mile! Umpire looks at Phil confused. Phil Don’t look at me like that! (yelling
across to other team) What, are you paying the ump off? Player #5 We’re batting, coach. Phil What? Player #2 We just got a single. Phil looks at them, then to the game. Everyone is
staring at him. Phil Never mind! Play ball! (turning to
team) Why are both teams dressed in white? Why doesn’t one team wear their
away uniforms? Don’t they know how confusing it is? (looks back to game as
a ‘strike’ is called at home plate) Holy shit they’ve got a good pitcher.
We’re gonna have our asses handed to us on a plate. CUT TO: 3. EXT. Day. The bleachers. Eric and Richard are
sitting there among the parents. Richard So if Phil gets booted from coaching
before the end of the season, does it still count as him finishing his
community service? Eric No idea. If it’s like probation,
then no, he’s gotta start all over again. Richard (reaching into cooler beside
him, taking out a large bottle of beer) Too bad there’s not a little kid
billiards league. Phil’d win coach of the year. Eric Drinking? Richard Why not? It’s a baseball game. Eric It’s four in the afternoon. And all
the players are nine. Richard It’s not like I’m offering them any.
(short pause) How’s work? CUT TO: 4. INT. Eric at his job as a tech support customer
service representative. He is listening to a call in his cubicle
listlessly, leaning far back in his chair. Eric Okay…okay… can I stop you right
there, sir? Just- hold on, just go to help in the main menu and type in
‘screensaver’. (pause) That’s ‘s’…’c’…’r’… A manager enters Eric’s cubicle. Eric (into phone) Ah, excuse me a moment. (to manager)
Yes, sir? Manager Eric, it would be best if you sat
upright, and presented yourself in a more professional manner when dealing
with our clients. Eric (after a moment) Sir, do you realize I’m one of the
few people here who constantly wear pants? CUT TO: 5. INT. Eric drinking a coffee in the lunchroom. He is
hit by a spitball from behind. Eric (turning) What the hell?! Two employees are there. Neither of them are
wearing pants, just boxer shorts and a business shirt. Employee #1 Hey, man! Just ‘cause management’s
breathing down your neck doesn’t mean you can go ratting us out! Employee #2 Scab! CUT TO: 6. EXT. Day. The baseball bleachers with Eric and
Richard. Richard That sucks the royal dong, dude. Eric Yeah, Phil was just telling me how
he needs to get out of this funk. Richard Strange how it’s bad to be in a
funk, but great to be funky… Eric (after taking that thought in) You didn’t do any pre-drinking
before the game, did you? CUT TO: 7. EXT. Day. A player getting a hit and running to
first. Phil watches this happily. Phil Good job, slugger! Way to go,
uh…slugger! (turning to team on bench) See that? That’s how it’s done.
He’s on our team, right? Team Yes. Phil Good. Who has to go on deck? Player #3 Me. Phil Okay, slugger. Go show ‘em who’s
boss. CUT TO: 8. EXT. Richard and Eric watching the game. Another
guy (Peter) comes up and sits beside them. Peter Sorry, I’m late. Has Phil spit at
the umpire yet? Richard No, but he gave one of them the
finger when their back was turned. Peter (yelling to Phil) Attaboy, Phil! Fight the power! Eric How was class? Peter Boring. How was work? Eric Same. (to Richard) How was whatever
you do when we’re not around? Richard It was…(guzzle beer)…television-y. Phil comes over and sits beside them. Phil (takes beer out of Richard’s
cooler) Hey, Pete. Peter Hey, Phil. Shouldn’t you
be…y’know…coaching? Phil Ah, the game’s over. Richard Your team’s batting. Phil I mean it’s pretty much over. Eric (getting up and walking off) Excuse me a sec. At home plate, the batter swings and misses. The
ump calls out and the game is over. Phil See? Do I know this game or what? Peter So how’d you guys do? Phil You weren’t watching? Peter I just got here. Phil Lost. Nine to one. They all suck. Peter Too bad. Sounds like the coaching is
top notch. The teams are exchanging handshakes over home
plate. Phil sees this and stands. Phil Yes, yes, good job everyone. (raises
his beer for a toast) Great hustle. (sits back down) Only two more games
left. Peter Unless you make the playoffs. Phil Yeah, well, god forbid. Richard (motioning to another spot
in the park) Check it out, Eric’s doing his baby
photos thing. The three look over to Eric, who is chatting with a
young woman with a baby stroller. Eric is showing her photos in his
wallet. There is polite laughter between the two, then Eric starts to talk
about more quietly and serious. The young woman suddenly looks shocked and
sympathetic. Eric gives her a card from his back pocket, and he talks a
bit more, eventually breaking down into some tears. The woman consoles him
with assurances and a rub of his arm. With some final words and weak
smiles, the two go their separate ways. Richard Sometimes that guy is milkshake
smooth. Phil (as Eric returns) How much did you get? Eric She’s gonna send me a cheque for my
leukemia-infested boy…or girl. (looks at the two photos in his hands)
Shit, what picture did I show her? Peter (standing up) You’re all going to hell. Let’s get
a drink. Eric I have to stop at the bank on the
way. I was hoping to squeeze drinking money out of her.
Richard (standing up) You aren’t gonna say anything to
your team? Phil Ah, they know how I feel about them. Peter (standing up) That’s exactly the problem, Phil. CUT TO: 9. EXT. Day. The four walking down the street, past a
bank. Peter is looking around nervously, as Eric goes to the bank’s doors. Eric I’ll be five minutes. Richard Yeah, right. There’ll be a line. Phil Just meet us there. We’ll be one
block down. Eric It won’t kill you to wait five
minutes. Richard That’s a whole five minutes I could
be drinking. Phil And Peter’s crazy ex lives around
here, and we don’t want to risk a run-in. Right, Pete? Peter (trying to hold his jacket in
front of his face) Yeah, exactly. Keep moving. CUT TO: 10. INT. Eric in the bank, talking to the teller,
holding cheque in front of her. Eric So even though it’s not technically
the correct date you can see how because of the duress under which it was
signed proves that this is legitimate cheque that has already been
recognized by two separate financial institutions. Teller Okay, fine, sir, just give me a
minute to find the right forms, (hands Eric sheet of paper) and this will
be your updated account balance. Eric (taking sheet) Thanks. (looks it over) Hold on,
what are these? Teller (leaning over to look) Oh, just some small service charges. Eric Small? There’s six of them. Teller They’re only a dollar each. Eric I make it a point to use only this
bank’s ATMs so I can avoid these things. I’ve walked an hour out my way
once to find a branch. Teller Well there’s still, y’know, handling
fees. Eric Handling fees? Do you go into the
vault and touch my money every night? Teller Sir, they’re just standard- Eric (still reading) Transfer fees? Transfer to where?
This is the biggest one dollar rip off I’ve ever seen! It’s a scam! It’s
nothing but a cheap…pathetic… As Eric gets angrier he looks around, just as the
bank vault is being opened. Starring into it, Eric slowly loses focuses
and just gazes in. A choir begins to sing. The piles of money inside seem
to shine brighter than the sun. Eric looks like has just had an epiphany. CUT TO: 11. INT. Eric at the bar with Phil, Peter, and Richard.
They have their own table, beers in hand. Eric See, I’m sick of people always
blaming the low end scammers like us. Peter I don’t really think I’m a- Eric Just give me the floor for a sec,
Pete. See, I was jacked around in the bank right now with transfer fees
and service charges and all that, and it’s obviously just another way to
rip you off where you can’t do anything about it. But it’s not just the
bank. Everything’s a scam! The government’s a tax money scam, high
school’s a prison scam, cable TV is a package deal scam, gas stations are
car addiction scams, the speed limit is a traffic scam, and health
insurance plans are nothing but fifty year long games of Russian roulette!
Even people who do real honest work like doctors and janitors and cops try
to scam the system by working half assed most of the time. When people buy
houses or cars, the salesman is trying to scam them, and they’re trying to
scam the salesman! And in the end no matter what you do with your life
you’re going to end up dead! Life is the biggest scam of all! Pause. Richard They’re only service charges, Eric. Eric (ignoring Richard) So here’s what we do. We start a
bank and keep the money. Peter Keep the money. Eric Yeah. Peter You mean steal the money. Eric Whatever. When people give us enough
cash, we take it all and hightail it somewhere. Richard Where? Eric I don’t know. South America. Richard Like Brazil? Eric It doesn’t matter right- Phil They speak what there, Spanish or
Portuguese? Peter I think it’s Portuguese. Richard They speak Portuguese in Portugal. Eric And in Brazil. But we can worry
about that later. Phil Why do they speak Portuguese in
Brazil? Peter (rhetorically, to Phil) Why do we speak English in America? Eric Look, I’m trying to tell you- Phil (to Peter) Wait, wait, wait, did you ask your
question to make a point, or are you really asking why we all speak
English here? Eric Jesus Christ guys, give me just five
minutes to explain. Phil You told us. We open a bank and take
the money as it comes in. Eric Yeah… Phil So what else is there are to argue
about? Eric You already want to do it? Phil Yeah. I’m in. Peter Hold on. Richard Yeah. I’m in. Peter Wait, hold on. This is crazy. Eric (to Phil) See? I knew I’d have to spend time
convincing somebody. (to Peter) Come on, man. Peter Okay, begging for change and hitting
on soccer moms is one thing, but this a whole different ball game. A ball
game with heavy jail time. Eric We won’t get caught. Peter We will. Eric We won’t. Peter We will. Eric Look there’s no point arguing like
this, so just say, ‘sure Eric, I’ll do it’. Peter I won’t. Eric You will. Peter I won’t. Eric Look, these people are gonna be
screwed out of their money somehow, why can’t it be by us? Phil And think about it, Pete. Would you
rather a big, faceless corporation screw them over, or hard working shmoes
like us? Peter Well, I’d rather no one screw anyone
over. Eric Well that’s just not an option. Phil Look, we won’t even, y’know, put our
names on the legal forms and shit. We’ll get someone else to do it. Peter Who? Eric Anyone old. Like my grandfather’ll
do it. Richard Isn’t he…y’know…a bit slacker
upstairs? Eric Exactly. It’s perfect. He’ll never
check up on us and they’ll never send a senile old man to jail. (short
pause) At least not in this state. Peter Well- Phil Come on, man. It’s bulletproof.
We’ll have kick ass access to the cash, and we can have three day head
start before anyone knows what up if we leave on the Friday before a long
weekend. Pause. Peter looks like he may crack. The three
look on expectantly. Peter I couldn’t take an old woman’s life
savings. Eric Fine. No old people accounts. Phil Good. It’ll keep the line moving
faster. Peter Or single moms, either. Eric (sighs) Okay… Phil It’s not like they’ve got any money,
anyway. Peter And I don’t think we should take
money from- Eric Holy shit, Pete. What kind of people
are we gonna let use our bank? Just rich, selfish, stupid people? Richard Well if they’re really rich, we’ll
only need about four of them. Peter Look, maybe I shouldn’t have
anything to do with this. Eric Aw, no, man. We need someone with
some business experience. Phil Yeah, we’re gonna have to spin some
pretty convincing bullshit about…um… investments…and fees… Richard And bone up on our math skills. Phil (with a pseudo-gang gesture) Just use a calculator, bitch. Eric (to Peter) Come on. You can’t have too many
ethics to be a business student in the first place. Peter I’m… on the fence. Eric Good enough. Okay, first we’re gonna
need some capital. Richard And more complimentary peanuts.
(raises hand to signal waiter) CUT TO: 12. EXT. Night. The four of them stumbling down a
residential street drunk. Richard I want to be president! Eric
It
was my idea! So I would be president, but my incontinent, drooling
grandfather is gonna be president instead! Richard Then I’ll be vice president. Of
sales. Phil Peter’ll be secretary. Peter We should all be tellers. They’re,
like, the grunts of the banking world. No one would ever suspect the
teller. Eric (coming right up beside Phil) Phil…Phil…hold up… Phil What? Eric Look, I’m glad you’re really into
this, and I told you about it because I know I can trust you, but you
can’t have anything to do with this. Phil What? Why not? Eric You’ve got a criminal record. Phil Oh, no one cares about that anymore.
It’s like herpes. Just ignore it and it goes away. Eric Look, whatever you do, they’re kinda
watching you… Phil ‘Kinda watching you?’ What, has Big
Brother gotten retarded? Richard (coming beside the two of
them) Who’s retarded? Phil Jesus Christ, dude. I got drunk and
took a swing at a cop. I didn’t stab a nun or anything like that. Richard And all that community service for
the vandalism… Phil Keep out of this, willya? (calling
down the street) Pete, they’re trying to squeeze me out! Peter is up ahead, trying to stick his hands down a
sewer grate. Peter Just a sec. Richard What’s the problem? Peter I dropped my keys down into the
sewer…accidentally. Richard Completely accidentally, or doing
something stupid accidentally? Peter (struggling) Uh, the second one. Ow! Phil I’ll handle this. There are some
problems that have solutions unknown to law abiding. (glares at Eric, who
rolls his eyes. Phil looks to Peter) First take off your pants. Peter What? Richard Huh? Phil Trust me. And I’ll need to use your
belt, too. Eric You can make even the most normal
activity slightly illegal, can’t you? After Peter removes his pants, Phil is sticking the
slacks down the sewer grate. Peter’s is crouched beside him. Phil Dude, not so close. I can feel your
leg hairs. Peter (moving back a bit) Sorry. Phil (maneuvering with the belt) See the crotch of the pants makes
for a good base, covering all the sewer holes, and you just need to use
the belt to nudge the keys or whatever onto the pants. And then you just
pull up and…(grabs keys through grate)…volia! Peter Sweet. Eric (clapping) Bravo, bravo. Too bad his pants are
covered in shit. Phil A minor detail. Clothes can be so
much more than clothes if you put your mind to it. Richard Wow, Phil, I suddenly have a bit
more respect for you. It almost makes up for your lousy coaching. Phil (warm) I’ve fished a lot of things out of
gutters. (to Eric) So? Am I in, or what? Eric What does this have to do you with
you being in on the bank scheme? Phil It proves I’m a problem solver. Peter (to Eric) Why weren’t you going to include
Phil? Eric He’s got a record. Peter
We're
not putting him on any documents. Eric Well, I don’t know, I figured it
would just make it more difficult. Richard If we’re gonna commit a crime, it
makes sense to have a criminal in on it. Eric Well, all right, I just wanted to
make sure we're all okay with Phil being involved. The four begin to walk down the street again, Peter
dragging his pants behind him. Phil And if worse comes to worse, I can
teach you guys all the tricks to survive in prison. Eric Too bad you didn’t go to prison. You
just paid a fine and were told to coach a little league team. Phil Yeah, I’ve been to hell and back. We hear faint jingling. Eric Stop playing with your keys, Pete. The jingling stops.
END OF SAMPLE
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"politics is the entertainment division of the military-industrial complex" - Frank Zappa | |||