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The Wrong Floor
TITLE and CREDITS.
FADE IN: EXT. A city street, midday. Not too busy. Henry Minghella walks down the street holding a suitcase and after glancing twice at the address, enters into an older looking apartment building. CUT TO: INT. Henry in front of the security door, looking over the names of the tenants beside the old, 70’s style intercom.
Henry (to himself) Lapin…Lapin…
Just as Henry is about to push enter the first digit in the room number/intercom code, an elderly man pushes the security door open and exits the building. He pays Henry no heed, but Henry sneaks in past the closing security door. The lobby of the building is 70’s style tacky. Henry tries to take it all in, and notices a clock on the wall. He compares it to his watch. The clock is five minutes fast. He continues to the elevators. He presses the ‘up’ button. The ring around the button lights up for a second, then goes out. Henry is prepared for an opening elevator door, but it never comes. He presses the ‘up’ button again, thinking nothing of it. This time the light stays on. Pause, as Henry waits. Finally the doors slowly open. The lighted ring never goes out. Henry steps into the elevator, and turns to face the doors, glancing to the button console. There is no floor thirteen. He presses floor nineteen. The ring around the button lights up, but the doors do not close. After a moment, Henry presses the ‘close door’ button. No dice. He presses the close door button and holds it, with a trace of annoyance. The door slowly shut with a low rumble upon impact. After five seconds of nothing, the elevator finally begins its ascent. Henry looks around, bored. He raps on the walls with his knuckles, checks his watch again, and frowns.
Henry (peering at his watch more closely) Damn…
The light for floor nineteen goes out and the elevator rumbles to a stop. After a near interminable wait, the doors open, and Henry quickly steps out, only to find signs on the wall indicating that this is in fact the eighteenth floor (the sign for apartment units begin with ‘18’).
Henry What the hell…
Henry turns back, meaning to get back into the elevator, but the doors shut quickly in his face. He is momentarily surprised, then presses the up button near the door.
Henry God damn it.
Henry waits, expecting the doors to open again immediately, but they don’t. So instead he waits, pacing back and forth, glancing at the walls, and the odd, unremarkable signs. He drifts over and skims a notice board. He eventually returns to standing right in front of the elevator.
Henry (pressing button again) Come on…
Henry steps back again and continues to wait. And wait. Eventually he sighs loudly, looks around, and begin to walk down one of the two hallways, looking at doors. Eventually he comes across a door with a handwritten sign that says ‘STAIRS’. He opens the door and finds it to be nothing but a small broom closet. He closes the door quickly, and the sign on the door flaps in the wind. He walks back towards the elevator and finds the button light still on. Then it flickers out. Henry moves towards the elevator door, waiting for it to open, but it never does. More annoyed than ever, he glares at the up button, and suddenly it lights again.
Henry For fuck’s sake.
Henry stomps down the other hallway, and after looking around he finds himself back where he started from, in front of the elevators. He looks confused, and for a moment just stands around. He digs out his phone, and it says he has no signal. He begins to go down the same hallway, this time doing a much more detailed check of any other side hallway. He walks down one where there appears to be natural light streaming in and finds himself in a small, open lounge area. Sitting in one of the four old chairs is a thin man reading a magazine, a pair of sunglasses dangling around his neck.
Henry Hey…excuse me.
Hoyle Why? You fart?
Henry I’m sorry?
Hoyle For what?
Henry stares confused at Hoyle, who is still staring at him rather harshly.
Henry For…what?
Hoyle You just came in here saying all these apologetic things and I don’t know why. (he squints) And I don’t think I’ve ever met you before. (puts on sunglasses and examines Henry) Nope. Never. Complete stranger.
Henry Well I’ve never been here before.
Hoyle I know. I just said I’ve never seen you. Aren’t you listening?
Henry Well I’m only here because I’m looking for someone, but the elevators seem to be broken and I can’t find the stairs.
Hoyle Yeah? Looking for someone, you say?
Henry Yes. I’m trying to find John Lapin.
Hoyle Who?
Henry John Lapin.
Hoyle (removes sunglasses) Never heard of him.
Henry He lives on the nineteenth floor.
Hoyle He doesn’t. If he did, I’d know about it.
Henry (digging out a scrap of paper) Well according to this-
Hoyle This! Oh, well in that case I must be wrong! A piece of paper says something so it must be true! Can’t be denied ‘cause someone once put some blotches of ink on a thin sheet of a former tree, so it’s practically written in stone and notarized by god! I’m obviously the fucking retard here!
Henry Look, I don’t understand-
Hoyle Now that I believe. The first thing that’s dribbled out of your mouth that I support one hundred percent.
Henry Are you the landlord or some-
Hoyle (standing up angrily) Shut up! Shut the fucking fuck up, you fucking fucking fuck!
Henry I-
Hoyle Don’t you ever use that name around me, you understand?
Henry Well no-
Hoyle I am not that person, I will never be that person! That person, that… position… is none of our fucking business, clear? Are we clear?
Henry I guess-
Hoyle No! No, fuck that! You don’t guess when it comes down to them! You accept humbly and graciously accept the chance to keep on breathing! Capiche?
Henry (taking a step back) Look, I guess I upset you and I’m sorry. I’m just looking for someone who said they lived here, so I’ll just go back.
Hoyle ‘Go back’. (snorts) Good luck with that.
Henry What do you mean?
Hoyle Nothing, ignore me, ignore the man who actually lives here. Go about your inane pathetic business. Down or up, try another floor, yes, yes, I’m sure your Lapin friend is just around the corner.
Henry Okay.
Hoyle (waving him off) Away, away. Fly, Fleance, fly.
Henry This is 90 Gerr-
Hoyle Piss off!
Henry Well can you at least me-
Hoyle No!
Henry The stairs! Just where’s the stairway?!
Hoyle (relaxing immediately) Oh. Beside apartment 1865.
They start at each other.
Henry Okay. Thanks.
CUT TO: INT. The door to apartment 1865. Henry enters the shoot and walks past it, to the door beside it that has the ‘Stairs’ on it, but with the two s’s and the t scrawled off. Henry opens the door and steps inside the stairwell, which looks quite dank and old. He lets the door close and instead it slams shut. He stares at and sees that the number ‘18’ is spray painted on it quite shoddily. He glances down the stairwell but cannot see the bottom. Then he walks up one flight, only to arrive at a door that has the number ‘18’ spray painted on it in the exact same fashion.
Henry What the fuck…
Henry looks back up and down the stairwell. Then he tries the door. It doesn’t open easily, but eventually he gets it open. He sheepishly steps onto the floor. Henry checks the door nearby. It reads ‘1865’.
Greta (off screen) Awfully strange, isn’t it?
Henry turns and finds a young girl in a jeans and a white sweater standing about ten feet away. Her eyes look glazed over, and she doesn’t register Henry in a normal fashion.
Henry Who- who are you? What the hell’s going on?
Greta No, sorry. I’m not that person.
Henry What?
Greta Your target.
Henry I…have a target?
Greta I don’t know. I just know I’m not it. I’m just here to make a quick observation about the odd things that are happening to you. Then I run around this corner and disappear until a later moment. See?
Greta turns around and runs around the corner. Henry watches her go. He looks around for a moment, then slowly walks down the hall and turns to look around the corner. Greta is not there.
Henry Oh fuck. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. This isn’t happening. I’m dreaming, I’m…on some fucking drug that I don’t remember, I…(he pinches himself and winces)…fuck.
Henry now jogs down the hall and stops at a random door and begins banging on it.
Henry (after a moment of two of no response) Hey. Hey! Is anyone there! Hey! Hey!
Henry doesn’t wait much longer before continuing down the hallway, returning back to the small lounger. He sees a lamp in the lounge area tries it. It goes on without a hitch.
Henry Shit.
Henry looks out the window at the city below. The cars are not moving. People are frozen place. It is as if the world outside is a giant photograph.
Henry Oh shit.
He spins around and look at the uninspiring apartment floor in front of him.
Henry I’m not here. This isn’t happening.
Henry turns to look at the world outside again. CUT TO: INT. Day. A shot of the same nondescript city from inside a window on what looks to be about eighteen or nineteen floors up.
Brock (off screen) So what do you think? Nice, huh? It could be all yours.
Pull back to reveal to men dressed in roughly the same clothing looking out the window.
Brick It’s quaint. I’d take it, but it won’t match my furniture.
Brock That’s not what he said.
Brick Yeah, what did he say?
Brock Something about man not being able to live on bread alone.
Brick I don’t get it.
Brock Yeah, maybe that’s not exact. I skimmed over some sections, to be honest.
Brick Understandable.
Brock Completely.
Brick
Footsteps are heard in the distance.
Brock Ssh! Ssh! Here he comes, we’re on!
Brock and Brick turn at the same time, big smiles plastered on their faces, just as Henry comes around the corner, who is momentarily surprised to find two people there, seemingly waiting for him.
Brock Hey, buddy!
Brick Good to see you again!
Brock Looks like you’ve grown!
Brick How long’s it-
Brock That’s kind of personal, wouldn’t you say?
Brick Let me finish. (to Henry) How long’s it been since we’ve seen you?
Brock Ah, much better.
Henry Who…are you guys?
Brick and Brock open their mouths buy say nothing. They look at each other.
Brock Well he saw through that awful quick.
Brick It’s your fault. You tipped him off when you didn’t say his name.
Brock Well, I don’t know his name.
Brick You should’ve danced around it, rather shitting directly on to that bit of twisted anti-knowledge.
Brock So ‘buddy’ was a poor supplicant.
Brick Poor? It was ‘homeless-crack head’ supplicant.
Henry Uh…excuse me?
Brock Why? Didja fart?
Brick (sniffing the air) I can’t smell anything. (to Henry) You should’ve kept your mouth shut, we never would’ve noticed.
Henry I just… well, I hope I’m not interrupting…
Brock You’re not. Me and my compatriot here were just discussing the possibilities of a future business deal, but it’s run aground because we aren’t familiar with Matthew.
Henry So you guys live here?
Brick We… frequent here.
Brock That makes us sound like prostitutes.
Brick With these legs? Forget it.
Brock Don’t judge until you try wearing heels.
Henry Do you know…maybe this is a weird question…
Brick The only weird question is the one not asked.
Brock That’s ‘dumb question’. Go ahead. We like the weird.
Brick We absorb it like sponges.
Henry Do you know how to get to the nineteenth floor?
Brock and Brick stare at each other. Then back to Henry.
Brock Why do you want to get to the nineteenth floor?
Henry I’m trying to find someone who lives… who supposed to live there, but everyone’s telling me-
Brick Everyone?
Brock You talked to everyone?
Brick Everyone, everyone?
Henry Well, just this guy with sunglasses up on the...or down…on another floor. And there was a girl that just… kind of disappeared on me. It’s really hard to know where you are in this building, and no one seems to actually live here and really the more I talk about it the more I just want to get the fuck out of here.
Brock So your idea of everyone is just one guy.
Henry Well he’s the only person I’ve met so far who I’ve really talked to, so…yeah, he’s kind of everyone, y’know…
Brick and Brock think about this.
Brock That’s…fair.
Brick Yeah, that’s a good word for it. ‘Fair’. Not the best defense of the use of the word ‘everyone’, but it does entail everyone he’s met so far in the building.
Brock Excluding us.
Brick Yes, excluding us. Speaking of us…
Brock Yes?
Brick Do we know how to get to the nineteenth floor?
Brock Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Brick Correct. Definitely not.
Henry Well, look in that case, I don’t know what else to say, it’s just getting weirder and weirder here, so if there’s been an address mix up or something, I’d just like to leave.
Brock You’d like to leave? Ha! You hear that, Brick?
Brick Yeah. yeah, I did!
Brock This guy wants to leave!
Brick Ha! Leave! Classic!
Brock Leave? Look at the look on your face! If a deer looked at you, it would go, “wow that’s an excellent impression of me in the headlights. They way you’ve nailed down my total lack of understanding, it’s uncanny, really.”
Brick That’s quite the fancy-ass deer you got talking there, Brock.
Brock Deer are fancy-ass animals, Brick. Anything you’re willing to not shoot in the head because you wanted to keep everything above the neck in tip-top shape so you can mount it on a wall is la-de-dah, show-off shit. You don’t drink a beer under a done-in buck, y’know? You sip snifters of port. Or a belt of scotch.
Brick You know, my old man really liked hunting.
Henry (not paying much attention) Yeah? Did your Dad ever, like, take you out with him?
Brick My Dad? No, my Dad was a starving artist who ended up gorging himself to death because of his blind admiration for irony. My old man was the hunter.
Brock (to Henry) A couple years back Brick here won an actual human being in his seventies in a poker game.
Brick I figured I was going to keep him as a butler, ‘cause I expected him to be, like a wizened old man, or something, but holy shit, he was like this big, strapping seventy four year old ex-marine bodybuilder type guy. Ran, like two miles a day, loved the fuck out of the outdoors.
Henry Why was he willing to be bought and sold in poker game?
Brick What was I, his biographer?
Brock You did write an article for a magazine on your relationship with him.
Brick Yeah, but that was in a gonzo-new journalism style. It wasn’t like I sat down and delved into his history.
Brock (to Henry) See what I have deal with?
Henry Look, what is this place? Why does the world look frozen outside the window?
Brock Frozen? (glances out the window behind him) Doesn’t look chilly to me.
Brick I would guess it’s positively balmy out there.
Henry That’s not what I mean. Things aren’t moving out there.
Brock What’s it matter? You’re not there, you’re here.
Brick Focus, focus.
Henry But how do I get out there? The stairs don’t… this place isn’t making sense…physically.
Brock ‘isn’t making sense…physically’. You sound hung up on that stuff. Just take it easy.
Henry (turning around) Christ, everyone here is just fucking nuts.
Brock Hey, wait!
Brick Come on, come on! Just stick around. Maybe we can help.
Henry turns with a frustrated look on his face.
Brock We got candy.
Brick Fresh and tasty candy.
Brock You’ll wonder how you ever lived without it.
Henry I don’t want any candy.
Brick and Brock look troubled.
Brock Don’t want… candy?
Brick Are you sure you know what candy is?
Henry (turning again) What the fuck…
Brock No, wait!
Brick goes to lunge at Henry, perhaps grabbing his arm or shoulder, but stops himself inches before, as if he was afraid of actually touching Henry.
Henry What? What do you guys want?
Brock To…hang…out?
Henry (snorts) You tell me something actually useful and maybe I will.
Brick Useful?
Brock Useful, useful… Use. Full. Almost a compound word.
Brick Almost.
Brock Know what else compounds?
Brick Trouble?
Brock Interest.
Henry (turning away) Yeah, except for mine.
Henry walks down the hall, not looking back. Brick and Brock watch him go, unsure of themselves.
Brock If only we had a large polo mallet.
Brick Or a lasso.
Brock Or fishhook at the end of a line.
Brick Should we…follow him?
Brock I was just about to ask you the exact thing.
Brick Fuck, that means you don’t know!
Brock Well we weren’t told to follow him.
Brick But we weren’t told to let him walk away, either.
Brock Well geez, we weren’t told a lot of things.
Brick That’s true. Hundreds of thousands of things.
Brock (turning back to the window) I wasn’t told to offer him such a great deal for all the cities and countries of the world, but I’ll extended that deal to you, if you’re still interested.
Brick I told you, I’ve got no place to put it all. You’ve seen where I live.
Brock I live where you live.
Brick Ex-arkly.
Creepy atonal piano music begins to play in the background.
Brock Well you can just-
Brick Ssh! You hear that?
Brock I… I know that leitmotif…
Loud barging footsteps are heard from down the hall. It is a large imposing man (Edward), followed intensely by Hoyle, remaining at his side. He marches right up to Brick and Brock, who are now grimacing.
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